You're Invited! Now just don't mess it up... (A Wedding Etiquette Guide Pt. 1)

 

It's that time of year again! Maybe you're twenty-something (like me) and getting to that point where many of your friends are getting hitched. Maybe you're the family of the happy couple. Maybe you're the plus-one going to some random person's shindig... Whatever the case may be, weddings are always going to be there, all throughout your life.
You could be a complete hermit and refuse to attend social gatherings on any scale...

Not quite the hermit we we meant... Though props on the fancy duds!

 ...but more likely than not, you will have to, at some time, attend a wedding - or even BE in a wedding (bridesmaids and weird uncles and crazy kids, oh my!)

Wedding season is here my friends, so what do you do now?
Here's my list of Wedding Etiquette to give you a good starting point (yes, for as long as this post is, it IS just a starting point). It's not an exhaustive list by any means but it'll give you a good guideline.

* Also note - that while I refer to "bride and groom" - I don't mean to disclude any same-sex couple weddings you may attend. For the sake of reference, I'm using "bride and groom" but that doesn't give you permission to act like a jerk at ANY weddings. So to avoid the accidental jerk-age (don't make it weird), follow the important steps listed below...


First of all, here's why you should listen to me when it comes to proper wedding behavior:

1. I worked 5 years as a server for a catering company that did hundreds of weddings every year (maybe a slight exaggeration - I didn't actually count, but still...) I know what it's like to WORK those weddings. The good, the bad, and the OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT CHILD EATING!?
   Trust me, it's an adventure seeing the MANY variations on a single event there can be.
2. I have been IN a handful of weddings as a bridesmaid and attended a half dozen more as a guest. 
3. I have been THE bride. Not the bridezilla. Never the bridezilla - but we'll get to that later in Part 2... 
4. Lastly, because I'm awesome.
   Which is really the most important reason now that I think of it.

What do mean the florist ran out of Shasta Daisies and had to use GERBERA Daisies instead!!!

 
I can tell you from experience, there are many sides to every wedding. Everyone has their own perspective and own opinions. HOWEVER, there's still a proper way to act, especially considering the amount of time, planning and stress that goes into making a wedding happen. Let alone getting it to be as close to perfect for the happy couple as possible.

So listen up! There are 3 perspectives to consider in the days leading up to the wedding and the wedding day itself:

• Attending as a Guest
• Being in the Wedding Party (bridesmaid, groomsman or whatever hipster name they've decided to call you)
• Being the Bride or Groom (aka THIS JUST GOT REAL, GUYS!)

Due to the fact that most will be dealing with the first scenario, and because many of the "rules" cross over, we will only be covering bullet point 1 in this post - What to Expect When You're Expecting... to Attend Someone's Wedding.
The other two - "That's right bitches, I'M the Maid of Honor!" and "HOLY SHIT WE'RE GETTING MARRIED TODAY" will be covered in Part 2 of the Wedding Etiquette Guide. So look for that coming soon...

So let's get down to business:

Attending as a Guest

Yay! You've been invited to your best friend's/2nd cousin's/that one guy from college's wedding! So... guess I'll just wait until the big day, roll out of bed and throw on a semi-wrinkled shirt and jeans and go get krunk! (is that even a phrase anymore? who knows... Don't be square guys, fo' shizzle...)

Wrong! You have a few things to think about as a wedding guest - so with all due respect, try not to screw it up!

Before the Big Day

• RSVP on time!

  The bride and groom are CRAZY busy (and some of them are just straight up CRAZY) with planning to make their big day awesome. For you. For the friends and family and random soon-to-be exes attending their wedding. The least you can do is help them out by telling them BEFORE or BY their requested RSVP date if they need to plan for you.
  Those who haven't planned a wedding before: you need to realize it's not just about you and if you feel like going to a party that day. Those numbers mean a place setting, food, drinks, favors and all kinds of other important things for the Bride and Groom to take into account - all of which cost money! So do them a favor and don't make them hunt you down to get an answer.

See guys, normal people still use "square" - my slang lingo is TOTES still hip and happenin'...

• DO NOT bring uninvited guests!

  Related to the RSVP - the people invited to the wedding should be those addressed on the invitation with the possible exception of having the plus-one option on the response card.
  "Mr. and Mrs. Barkinglaugh are cordially invited..." - that's 2 people. Just 2.
  "The Barkinglaugh Family" or "Mr. and Mrs. Barkinglaugh and family" = bring the kids - but not the boyfriends/girlfriends, best friends or neighbors of said family/kids. 
  I don't know why people think this is ok - but it's totally inconsiderate. I'm sorry (not sorry), but here's the deal:
  It is NEVER appropriate to bring extra (read: uninvited) people - friends, family or otherwise to someone else's wedding (unless with express permission from the Bride and Groom)
  
  Honestly, it's often a matter of money but it could be other personal reasons as well.
  The Bride and Groom, or whoever holds the purse-strings have to pay for each and every little bugger attending the wedding and reception. And whatever their reasons are for inviting or NOT inviting certain people, that's their choice. It's THEIR wedding - please respect that choice and don't try to bring someone else along just because YOU would rather have a guest. 
  

**Also - Don't assume you have a plus-one - sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. A thoughtful bride and groom will know that if you're married or have been seriously dating someone (6 months or longer, give or take), and that person SHOULD be invited. But don't assume, if you're single, that you always get to bring a date. Again, respect the bridal couple's choice in the matter.

Ok... getting off the soap box about this now... You get the idea - if in doubt, ask (nicely) for clarification but remember that NO is a perfectly valid answer and do not pitch a fit if that's what they say.

• To gift or not to gift, that is the question

  Gifts, though often implied or somewhat expected, are NOT actually a requirement by most Wedding Etiquette standards.
  Especially if you are a guest traveling a long way - weddings can be really expensive, for guests as well as the bride and groom. It's OK to just get a card.
  

  

  Well, maybe not THIS card... though the sentiment is probably appreciated

That being said, it IS nice to do a little something for a gift - even if it's a $20 bill in the card, or something homemade perhaps if you have a sentimental attachment to the couple or are particularly crafty.
Everyone gives and receives gifts differently, but there's no shame in NOT buying the couple a new yacht or a personalized Kitchen-Aid with a message hand-engraved by Vietnamese orphans. (no offense... if that's what you really WANT to get them...)

It's Time to Partay!!!

The Wedding Day is here! Now what?

• Wedding Attire - What the hell am I supposed to wear?Here's the simple breakdown - clue in to the wording on the invite OR ask the couple (well before the wedding week). This description on TheKnot.com gives some good examples as well.
  Note - time of day for the wedding can determine acceptable color options - typically lighter colors earlier in the day and darker colors more toward night (but for the most part, this doesn't matter as much now as it used to)

 What does them wordz mean?

• White Tie = Formal as Fu...dge. Fudge.
  Formal tuxedos for guys, ballgowns for ladies
• Black Tie = Still formal - regular tuxedos for guys, fancy cocktail dress or evening gown for ladies
• Formal or Black Tie optional = tuxedo or nice suit for guys, long dress, nice cocktail dress or dressy suit for ladies
• Semiformal or Casual Dressy = suit for guys, tie optional, cocktail dress or skirt and top for ladies
• Beach Casual = similar to Casual, but nice shorts and sandals are typically also acceptable options
• Casual = nice pants and dress shirt or polo for guys, summer dress, skirt or pants and blouse for ladies
• Note: Casual never means torn-up jeans and your Duck Dynasty camo T-shirt... unless maybe you're going to THIS wedding:

No judgment... Ok, maybe just a little judgment

No, no, it's fine see - it's an homage to your
beautiful garden wedding theme... for realsies

 A couple HELPFUL TIPS for attire:

1. For the ladies (to keep the Bride from physically maiming you on her wedding day) - Do not wear colors that will distract from the Bride - she is the princess, don't rain on her parade. Included by not limited to - Red, Neon colors, any shade of White (today that's her color alone; a mix of white with other colors is fine).
   Generally, just don't wear anything too distracting and you'll be fine
2. Ladies, also consider bringing a change of shoes  - is the wedding outside? Heels may not be the best choice if they're going to get stuck in the grass/mud. Wedges, flats, good to go. Keep in mind if there will be lots of dancing - maybe bring a change of shoes for the end of the night (especially if there may be alcohol involved)
3. For all - bring appropriate outer-wear. Check the weather - will it be cold, rainy, windy? Do you need a jacket, scarf, full-body snow-suit? Know yourself and if you tend to be cold/hot, if the wedding is outside and prepare accordingly.
4. If you know the color/style of outfits the Wedding Party is wearing but you were not asked to be in the wedding party, DO NOT wear that exact color/style of outfit. You not only look like a jerk, you look like a jerk passive-aggressively bitch slapping the new married couple and saying "hmm, you should have asked ME to be in your wedding party because damn I look good in this outfit..."
   Yeah, DON'T be that guy. (And when I say "that guy" - I don't mean just male-folk... anyone can be that guy, you know the one. Don't do it. Just don't.)
   

• How to Behave (like a normal person)
  The fact that I even have to put this section in here is a little sad - but somehow, people don't seem to realize that when you're at a Wedding, IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!
  (Spoilers - it's about the Bride and Groom!)
  
  So here's some pretty straightforward guidelines to how to behave at a Wedding:
• Don't get drunk - yeah there may be alcohol, but drink responsibly and don't embarrass yourself, or others, or puke on anybody, or try to proposition the bride's 84 year old grandmother... Really, just know your limits and DON'T BE THAT GUY

• Don't be embarrassing - though this goes hand in hand with the drunk note, it can hold its own as well.
  ~ I don't care if you're divorced and your ex is making out with her 21 year old boy toy out on the back patio so you decide to "show that punk kid what a real man looks like"
  ~ I don't care if you knew the groom since he was in diapers and LOVE telling the story about the time when he was five and only wore dresses for a year and you still think he's probably into other dudes more than his now-wife.
  ~ I don't care if you look really good in your Superman briefs and want to show them off to all the damsels at the party (unless you're 3, in which case it makes for adorable memories, this is SO not ok)
  
  I don't care.
  Act like an adult with REAL manners and be on your best behavior. If we have to tell children to do that in public, you'd better follow the same damn advice. Yeah, have some fun, but keep it appropriate and be aware of your situation and your audience.
  
  
• Don't criticize - Maybe the wedding isn't perfect or how YOU would have done it. Maybe the church was too hot and the food was too cold. Maybe you're miserable the whole time and want to go home and watch Say Yes to the Dress because "at least those dresses look halfway decent."
  But please, for the sake of the Bride and Groom, save the griping for when you get home and keep it between you and your significant other OR just keep your mouth shut. 
  
  And definitely DO NOT complain or make your critical remarks to the Bride, Groom, Bridal Party or family of the couple. It's not appropriate and regardless of if they agree with your trash talking, they don't need the extra stress it causes. Just don't.
  
  
  
• Leave the bride alone! - If you have questions or need help with a problem, refer to the invitation/wedding program/signage at the venue OR try to find the wedding planner or venue manager - sometimes these are the same person.
  Worst case scenario, ask someone in the bridal party or the Mother of the Bride.
  
  The bride is WAY too busy with, you know, her wedding, to answer questions about where you're supposed to sit or where the jackets are supposed to go.
  DO give the bride and groom your congratulations, love, maybe get a quick picture with them, but don't be offended if they're really distracted or don't get a chance to sing the Bohemian Rhapsody with you as originally planned. They've got a lot going on, so give them a little slack.
  
• DON'T BE THAT GUY - This is all I'll say - It's JUST a bunch of flowers, ladies. Don't make THIS your legacy:

Guaranteed - ain't nobody gonna wanna marry you after they witness THAT...
I don't care what the Official Bouquet Rules are...

 OVERALL

(Yeah, yeah, I know - you wish this section had been at the
BEGINNING instead of the end... Deal with it.)

• Have patience
• Give a little grace - not everything goes according to plan; so have a little forgiveness and flexibility
• Don't have expectations
• I don't mean you should expect it to be bad - I mean, don't have ANY expectations. It's like when you go into a movie you don't know much about and don't have any expectations good or bad - come at it with a clean mindset and you'll likely be pleasantly surprised. Or possibly slightly disappointed... but still, don't let preconceptions color your experience and more often than not, you'll have a good time.

• Have fun - so long as it's safe (and legal) 
• Keep in mind your role as a guest is:
• NOT to be served food, drinks, entertainment or otherwise, BUT...
• To witness the union of the couple
• To support them by your attendance and to show them that you care about/love them
• To celebrate with them as they start their marriage together!
  
  THAT'S ALL - so let those reminders guide your actions next time you're at a wedding.

SNARKY DIGEST VERSION:

1. Don't be an asshole!
2. Dress like a normal human being
3. Play nice with the other kids

 

Thanks for reading! Don't forget to check out Part 2 of the Wedding Etiquette to find out what additional rules should help guide you as a Wedding Party Member (I said don't be gross, guys!) and as the Bride or Groom.

Have an idea of what SUPER MEGA IMPORTANT guidelines you think should be added to this awesome list? Make your suggestions in the comments below!
Thanks and Happy Wedding Season, everyone!