Naming Your Baby (Right)

Congratulations! You're preggers! You've got a little minion on the way and you're thinking about all the awesome, beautiful, unique names you want to name him/her/it.

This is your official, though admittedly somewhat sarcastic, guide to naming your baby right! In other words, how to name your child so you don't end up on Oprah's "Why My Parents Hate Me" episode OR, you know, murdered by the child you decided to name Joachim Kroll (oh wait... that really WAS a serial killer...)

Dear Mom and Dad, please don't give me a stripper name...

  
In any case, you want to name your child something good, yet special. There are just a few things you should consider - you know, a couple things to think about briefly before saying "screw it, her name is La Fawnduh!"

Brownie points for the phonetic spelling though...

Full disclosure - I don't have kids (yet) but as a young married woman, and as a writer of fiction stories, I've thought of my fair share of names. So while I don't yet have the bun-in-the-oven, I have put a decent amount of thought into how to name your precious bundle of joy. Or your main character for your next sparkly-vampire tween romance novel... Either way, really.

What's in a name?

"That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet..."

No Shakespeare fans? Come on! It's an easy one! I'll give you a hint... the main characters die at the end. 

So you're naming your baby! The single word or two (or three if you're feeling lucky) that your child is going to have to answer to for the rest of their lives! So, no pressure.

When choosing their name(s) - especially first, but also middle name(s), consider these things:

Family Names

All the men in your family name their first son Dwayne. You're Dwane Eustace IV...
Great grandma Beatrice, on her death bed, asked for you to name one of your daughters after her.

There are many reasons people choose to name their kids family names - their mother's maiden name that will disappear in your generation, so you make it the baby's middle name; honoring grandparents; malicious glee at naming your only child Earl... Whatever the case may be, consider the reasons WHY you might want to use a family name or why not. If the answer is external family pressure, decide how much it matters to you - maybe bury the name as a middle or second middle name. Or choose the D.A.R.E. slogan and "Just Say No"

Damn it! I'm NOT Simba! Seriously, you see a lion and just assume... Rude.

Family names, while perfectly acceptable, are NOT required. Though you may feel some guilt for breaking with tradition, if you really don't want a family name for your child, that's your choice.
Again, consider your choices and reasons why and make the right choice for yourself.

Traditional Names

You've all heard them - there's a TON of them:

Elizabeth (and every nickname possible), Jane, Emily, Natalie, Christina, Mary...
William, John, Robert (Bob), Matthew, Christopher, James, Peter, Paul and Mary...


You get the idea.

Often religious, traditional names have been around for a long time. Often long enough to see gender-bending days - did you know Shannon, Alison, and Whitney (among others) used to only be men's names... True story.

Though typically solid, strong names (hence the reason they've been around for so flipping long), be careful: DO NOT to fall into the TRAP of the Top 100 baby names (or at least the Top 20).
Take it from a Jessica born a year it was the #1 girls name, your child will get tired of having to so often clarify WHICH Jessica, or Emma, or Jacob, or Liam they are.
Having to constantly add on the first initial of your last name or being told you have to come up with weird nicknames for clarification is annoying as SHi...itake mushrooms.

Just don't do it. Look up the list of the Top (Whatever #) Baby Names for that year and post it on your fridge as "what not to name the poor child"

Unique Names

On the other side of that ugly-stick is the issue of unique names - please don't beat your child with it.
Ok, maybe that analogy was a little much... But remember the La Fawnduh joke? Yeah... I've seen a lot of interesting names, especially working at a children's theatre.

In any case, suffice it to say, while Unique, by definition, means one of a kind - you also do not want your child to hate you forever. Try to find a balance between the "boring" traditional John and the "F-lipping Hell, Mum and Dad" unique of Moon Unit and Dweezil Zappa (yes, for the younger folks reading this... those ARE real people).

Just saying, there are some names that are a beautiful and unique and then there are fads like Hashtag... Please by all that is good and holy don't name your poor child #hashtag!

#FUParents #ChildProtectiveServices

So try to find that balance if you're going for a unique name. And just an extra tip - if you decide on the unique, try to spell it phonetically. People are going to read it how it looks and say it how it sounds anyway, so might as well make it easier for them. Good job, La Fawnduh!

Name Meanings

Something to also consider when choosing your baby's name - what does it mean?
All names have some sort of origin - even if it was made up by Shakespeare (oh hey, my name WAS actually made up by Shakespeare... yay!)

Name meanings can be really important to you - or not at all important. Either way, at least KNOW what the name means before you accidentally step in it by giving your kid a name that means "bitter" for example - Mary, Maria... just saying.

Side note - for writers like me who enjoy giving symbolic meanings to their characters, I enjoy playing around on BabyNames.com for all the fun name meanings.

Other Things to Consider

Before the mockery and eternal hatred ensues...

Nicknames

Speaking of nicknames - you can't name your kid something without also considering what people might shorten it to. Yes, you may be one of those people who insist, "achem, no, it's Timothy, not TIM"... BUT other people are often going to shorten names for ease, as a means of being buddy-buddy or whatever other reason.

Some names have a LOT of potential nicknames: Elizabeth = Eliza, Beth, Liz, Lizzie, Bessie (apparently that's a thing...)
Other's just a few: Christopher = Chris (and those who say Topher are just dumb.)

 

So think about what doofy-ass names your kid's middle school friends are going to call him, because more often than not, your little Richard is going to be a Dick.

Initials

You might think it's adorable to name your daughter Francesca Una Nelson (FUN) but what happens when later in like she marries that Klein boy? (oh FUK). Overall, think about the way your kids initials are going to line up. Even if it's not going to change, don't be those parents who name their kid something that accidentally spells something gross or otherwise bad. It seems simple but you'd be surprised how it can get overlooked.

Also, word to the wise, just because it doesn't have a vowel in the middle doesn't mean people aren't going to try to sound it out anyway - just like the license plate game where you laugh at the one that says PMPLS - you know what it says and so does everyone else. So keep that in mind for your child's sake.

 

Overall Spelling

I'm going to keep this one short and simple - if you love your child at all, spell their name in a straightforward way.

No one wants to correct EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD who ever spells their name, "No, actually it's Kaitlynne" even if it's a somewhat average-sounding name.

Nuff said.

Lesser Considerables:

Syllables

I'm sorry, but Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch... that's a ridiculous amount of syllables for any child's name - no matter how schmexy the man is...

HELLS YESSS IT DOES...     

Fads/Cultural Relevance

There are some names that have historical relevance and can have a negative connotation - Jezebel, Lucifer, Justin Bieber...

Others can be good or bad but show up a lot after famous people, shows, movies, books, etc. - Katniss, Arya, Albus Severus...

Whatever the case may be, consider if you REALLY want to name your kid after a fad that may be going away any year (or minute) now. The kid may not thank you for it in the long run.

Unisex Names

Remember those names I mentioned that are now girls names that used to be only for guys? Some folks do the opposite as well, however successful or unsuccessful it may be. Again, think about the effect it'll have on your kid growing up and the potential psychiatry fees you'll be paying later.

Some names go well for boys or girls - but be aware of the double edged sword here. While that can be nice to have your Jordan or Casey or Sam, keep in mind that it may cause potential confusion and/or embarrassment if and when they're confused for the wrong gender.
Not saying it necessarily happens AFTER the hard-to-identify-gender baby stage, BUT... let's just say it could happen.

They can't tell if I'm a boy or a girl... Should I tell them? HAHA, nope!

 In any case, think about if you WANT a gender-neutral name or not. Totally up to you.

    

OVERALL

Consider these words of wisdom I bequeath unto you. You're welcome.
In the end, it's your baby. If it makes you feel any better, just know that there will always be someone who thinks the name you chose is the stupidest thing ever... Best of luck with the baby naming and the baby-making!

(you guys! I TOTALLY mean baby-making in the sense of those writers creating characters and it's their "baby" - sheesh!)


Want to read more of my snark? Consider these fun options for those of you Attending a Wedding, or perhaps you're Going to be IN a Wedding - that one's for you! And for those of the more daring nature, check out Why Skydiving is Awesome and You Should Totally Do It! Or you know... just click on the links on the side of the blog. :)

Thanks!