He Liked It, So He Put a Ring on It... (A Guide to Early Engagement Expectations)

Most importantly and first of all, CONGRATULATIONS!
I'm assuming if you're now engaged, that you actually WANT to be married in the sometime future. So awesome!
(for those who are wearing the rock for any of the following reasons: gold-digging, public proposal made you feel the pressure to accept, feeling obligated but don't really like the dude, you got knocked up and your parents are forcing you to have a "shotgun wedding" - go home and rethink your life. Or rather just your engagement. You should love your significant other, desire to be with them, and be committed. If that's not you, you might want to seriously reconsider - the future of your marriage is at stake. So serious business, people.)

So, now that that's out of the way, a few quick notes:

1. While I will touch on the start of the Planning process, this is more intended as a Guide for What to Expect during your early engagement period. I'll do a full Planning post later on, so keep an eye out for that when it comes if you want to know more!
              
2. While I may say a pronoun (him, her, you) that may not necessarily be applicable to you, I mean no offense by it. I understand every person has their own significant other and individual circumstances surrounding their future marriage, planning and so on. So just take that with a grain of salt, as needed. And possibly with a tequila chaser. Goes with the salt.

Alrighty then, all on the same page now? Swell!

So today we're talking about what you should expect now that you're all twitterpated and making that BIG next step. You're engaged! You said yes! WOO! Yes, you're engaged! Oh my goodness... so much to do, family, expectations, wedding, life, GAH!

Settle down! Take a deep breath and keep reading! I promise it will all be ok. I won't let you down.

All the Feels - What Next?

Let's just put it this way... Prepare to feel:

Emotional - Any big step in your life is bound to be tied to many emotions, often mixed. While engagement typically involves lots of happy, excited, lovey-dovey emotions, don't be surprised if there are others vying for your attention as well. Maybe you're a little sad because your mom, who passed away a couple years ago, won't be able to be there. Maybe you're annoyed because of the way he decided to propose (let's just say that for me, being sweaty in tennis shoes and being eaten by mosquitoes wasn't 100% ideal for me...). Maybe you're worried because your family is old fashioned and he didn't ask for their blessing before popping the question.

Overall, there may be lots of emotions swirling around in your head and making you feel overwhelmed. THAT'S OK. That's normal. Embrace it and carry on.

Worried or Overwhelmed - Going hand in hand with that emotional side, there are many reasons the glittery joy may fade sooner than expected. There's a lot of stress and anxiety that goes into planning a wedding. Of course, you may choose to elope, or maybe you already have your perfect wedding already planned with your significant other (S.O. as you'll see them referred to in many many other blogs and magazines and soul-sucking "help" books), or maybe you know you want a simple jog down to the courthouse with a handful of your best peeps and call it good. 

However, whether it's traditional or non, marriage is an important milestone for most folks. That means there tends to be a lot of pressure internally, by family and friends, you S.O., your S.O.'s family... you get the picture. 

And though it may feel like a giant clash is in your future over whatever minute detail comes to pass, take a deep breath and remember that in the end, it's about you and your S.O. That's it.

Hunny-buns, Mother told me to give you this gift if you refused her seating chart again...

Rushed to Start Planning - "Everyone knows..." "Tradition dictates..." "In following good wedding etiquette..."  For the most part, whenever you see or hear something like this, just slap on a smile, nod and then do whatever the f...udge you want to do anyway. Truth: Weddings (on the scale they are nowadays) were NEVER that big until a little thing called the Roaring 20's came along. Then everyone had to out-do each other. If you're following "Tradition" you'd get married in your front 'parlor' in your best church clothes, just you, your S.O., the preacher man and maybe your parents. 

Honestly, you have plenty of time (even if you want to get married within the next couple of months), so settle your shit down and don't freak out about planning yet, ok? You JUST got engaged for goodness sakes! Tell those planning pushers to take a chill pill and give you some space for a minute or two.

Annoyed... at the same twelve questions that everyone and the FedEx guy are going to ask you - Just a fair warning to you all - you will be asked to show "the ring" to EVERYONE! Yes, even the FedEx guy. Not lying, that totally happened to me.
Side note - whether you have a ring or not, is TOTALLY fine. Don't feel bad if you don't have a ring yet, or are going non-traditional and decide not to have one. It's your and your S.O.'s life, and your choices. Don't let other people make you feel bad about something that is supposed to be symbolic anyway.
Then prepare to be asked by practically everyone and their dog:

• "Oh, congrats! Can I see the ring?"
  (sees it) (proceeds to tell you how much they love it, even if their face is lying to you about their judgy true feelings)
           
• "Wow! Are you excited?"
  This is a stupid question. But surprisingly one that gets asked more than you'd think. While it may feel like they're subtly trying to probe you for deeper answers aka "are you totally preggers?", test out the smiling in the face of stupidity and feel free to gush happily. Unless it's a really close friend or family member you trust, don't reveal any doubts or negative thoughts. Everyone and their dog don't really need to know - plus they may just gossip about it later. Those bitches. The dogs, I mean.
      
• "When's the wedding going to be?" Can you say: um, I just got engaged YESTERDAY, dude. By the way, it's totally fine to say polite answers along the lines of seasons you enjoy and 'think' the wedding may be (you can always change your mind later), that you're still talking to the S.O. about it, or that it's all still new and you haven't talked about it yet. Or, you know, the less polite answer of "None of your damn business, nosy bitch I hardly know, and NO you're not invited."
                   
• "Am I invited?"
  (usually followed by joking laugh) - refer to answer options from the bullet point above.
             
• (insert advice here)
  In case you were wondering, EVERYONE has an opinion about wedding planning (says the person writing a blog about engagement and wedding planning...) and though most mean well, a lot of it will be stuff you either don't want to hear, don't care about or don't want to worry about yet. You JUST got engaged for goodness sakes! So again, smile and nod and say "thank you" but don't feel any obligation to do anything they say. Even if it's your family telling you - though they may have a little more say than the FedEx guy. Then again, maybe not. That FedEx guy sure is worldly after all.

So... What Do I DO About It?

Great question! So glad you asked. Here's my expert advice:

First of all, RELAX!

This is something I actually didn't do when I first got engaged. I was so excited and so overwhelmed with all the feels (refer to section above) that I jumped headfirst into planning. By the time I slowed down and took a moment to process the excitement and good advice I read about later (telling me to relax), I'd missed that opportunity. If you're like me and you've already jumped into planning mode, that's ok. Know it's not the end! And still follow this advice (you know, if you feel like it).

If you just got engaged, my BIGGEST first advice is to relax and take a couple weeks, or even a month, depending on how soon you're wanting to get married, and ENJOY being engaged. Enjoy staring at your ring all the time, enjoy dates with your fiancé (yes you will get used to saying that - it's the 'husband'/'wife' that's weirder later on), enjoy the attention, and enjoy not worrying about planning for a little while. You have PLENTY of time.

Honestly, you may even make a rule of "NO wedding planning" until a designated time you both agree on. Save up those ideas in a box or on your phone/computer for when it's time to start.

DO Plan "You" Time

Don't forget to schedule time for yourself. That means time to relax and refresh, NOT to do more planning on your own. Go get a massage, go enjoy a day with the girlfriends for mani/pedis (you will be showing off that ring hand a lot, so if you like the pretty nails, not a bad idea - though not REQUIRED as so many planning-pushers will tell you).
Also don't forget to still go on dates! Planning is stressful so don't let yourself get so worked up and so dug into the future that you forget to enjoy the present. You both need time "away" to enjoy each other without the stress for a bit. 

I will admit, as a planner and a bit of an obsessive-personality type, this was VERY hard for me. But also BECAUSE I'm like that, I realize the true value and need for it as well.

Communicate! (especially if you have worries or fears)

Generally, you just need to communicate. Always. In every relationship. Honestly, all sarcasm and snark aside, I believe communication is the #1 factor to successful relationships. Not that other things aren't important as well- love, trust, commitment, humor, etc. But this is especially good when you first get engaged and throughout the planning process, as well as in your marriage. Did I mention I think it's the best thing always?

Of course, keep in mind a little tact goes a long way. But when you have some worries and fears about marriage and wedding planning or general insecurities, don't hide them. Don't feel ashamed. Don't feel alone in having those feelings. EVERYONE who plans a wedding goes through it, I promise you. So talk to your person. After all, they're the one you want to spend your life with right? If you can't talk to them... well that would make for a rather weird relationship sitting in silence all day... what do you people DO with your time? Sheesh.

Try to have patience

I know, not always the easiest advice to follow. Particularly with those nosy dogs and FedEx guys and all their annoying, repetitive questions. But it's practice for when you're pregnant (if applicable) and fending off all those question-askers again as well as the ninja skills dodging the belly-touchers. 

And the Planning Begins...

Ok, I know I promised to have another, more fleshed out post about the Planning process. But for now, I'll just give you a couple quick tips to get you started. AFTER you take that time to enjoy the engagement, and amidst the wedding ideas and gathering, you'll start the planning. 

Here's the most important things to keep in mind before and when you get going.

Oh my God, where's the ring! I just had it on my finger!!!

Decide What's Most Important

Sit down with your S.O. after a little thought and make a little list of what you each think is the most important parts of your wedding you CAN'T live without. Keep in mind, when it comes to the details, people attending to your wedding aren't going to necessarily notice or remember the little details - they'll remember how the wedding FEELS to them. So think about how you want it to feel and what will make it that way.
For example, when the hubby and I did this, it was most important for me to have my close family there (not always a priority for everyone), good food was a must, and I wanted it to be casual. The hubs (that's totes a great nickname, don't lie) agreed with those points and added that he wanted elements that were unique to us as a couple (theatre influences and a LOT of How I Met Your Mother references ended up being just the key)

(apparently I like GIFs today... You're welcome)

In any case, decide what is MOST important and you must have. Then tell yourself that if a detail doesn't fall into the realm of those TOP things, it's ok if it isn't perfect or to cut it altogether. Because honestly, no one freaking cares if you have lilac satin seat covers with the ivory bows. I give you that freedom - the freedom to look at the little things and say "I don't care."
You're welcome.

Set a Budget

This is really integral to the rest of your wedding planning. First, so you don't spend your children's future college money on a one-day event. Second, so you can have a LITTLE less stress when the decisions come later. Yes, money is a huge stress factor. But if you realize how much you can spend and which parts are most important to you (see section above) then you can more easily say no to the ridiculously expensive crap that's in the "I don't care" category. 

If your parents are helping you pay for the wedding (or covering it entirely) work with them to set an appropriate budget. Keep in mind, parents holding the purse strings means they are entitled to more of a say on the wedding details. So understand there may be some compromises in your future- but hey, that's just practice for the marriage!

The truly, real, professional Wedding Budget Venn Diagram... pay attention.

Set a Date

Please note, this doesn't necessarily mean setting an EXACT date right away. It's fine to start out with a season or month you're thinking about. Maybe have a couple dates you'd be willing to do. This, along with the budget, are good starting points for the start of the planning search. Before you can plan for any of the other details, you're going to need to know when it is (weather, availability at your perfect venue, indoor/outdoor options, how many guests you want to pay for love and would bless your wedding with their presence, potential discounts for off-season weddings, etc.)

Keep in mind important dates to avoid - major holidays, family birthdays or death-days (you laugh, but this can be a real no-no for some people). Certain times of year cost more. Or parts may cost more. For example - have your wedding on Mother's Day weekend, know that flowers are going to be HELLA expensive. Just something to keep in mind.

Yep, Tax Day it is!

   
A Friendly Warning: When you start your wedding planning and "inspiration gathering" of ideas, beware the Pinterest. While incredibly helpful at times, it's a two edged sword. A beast with two heads, if you will. Yes, take inspiration. Yes, get ideas for things you like and don't like. Yes, gather the money-saving tricks and tips and so on. BUT, and heed my warning, dear reader, be careful not to fall into the trap of the beast. DIY is fun and pretty but have you ever been crafty? Yes? Well go ahead then, but choose wisely which projects to take on. No? If you have a crafty friend willing to help, that's nice. Otherwise, it's FINE to let the professionals do it. Or, decided if you want or need that element at your wedding in the first place.
Overall, just be careful not to get too wrapped up in the Pinterest-perfect wedding. It doesn't exist. The photos are lying to you. Like Photoshop. (Whaaa!? Next you're going to tell me there's no Santa!)

          

That's all for now! I hope this post helps you in your Early Engagement period and reminds you that you're not alone in the crazy ups and downs that come with everything pre-wedding related. Keep calm and remember - it's just one day. All will be well.

Thanks! Feel free to comment below with any responses you may have, questions, and (of course) comments. That's why it's called the "comment" section, after all. *mind blown* See - learning all kinds of awesome things today. You're welcome.

So You're Going to Be in a Wedding... (A Wedding Etiquette Guide Pt. 2)

Hello again!

For those that didn't take the chance to read Part 1, specifically detailing the rules for Attending a Wedding as a Guest, shame on you! Now go to your room!
No, just kidding.
Since technically you're still a guest as someone IN the wedding, many of the same practices apply. So go read Part 1 here and come back to journey on with us...

Exotic destination brochure for Isla Nublar... "colorful wildlife" - NO SHIT!

In this section we will be giving special attention to Wedding Etiquette regarding those IN the wedding, specifically:

• Wedding Party - Bridesmaids and Groomsmen
• The Bride and Groom

While family of the bride and groom are often also in the wedding and deal with much of the planning process, a lot of their role ends up being similar to the Wedding Party (for the support aspect) as well as taking on some of the duties from the bride and groom (usually just the planning and speech-type things - don't make it weird, you guys!)

In addition to the basic guest rules, those participating IN the wedding have more to think about.
So in the spirit of the matrimonial season, let's just take the plunge into the deep end, shall we?

Um... not exactly what I meant...

Bridal (or "Wedding") Party

So your best friend/baby brother/random college buddy just posted all the beautifully obnoxious pictures on Facebook of the Golden Gate Bridge proposal shortly followed by a flood of "10 Steps to a Stress Free Wedding," "I Do's and Please Don't" and "Balancing the Budget for the Wedding of Your Dreams!" posts cluttering your news feed.
Then comes the call you were hoping for (expecting) - "Will you be one of my minions?" Well... something like that anyway. It's like your very own special Friend-posal.
That's right, suck it Becky - I'M the Maid of Honor, beeotch!

Yeah... you might want to consider a few things both before accepting AND once you've decided to take on the role of Bridesmaid or Groomsman:

Before You Say "I Do"... to being in the Wedding Party

• Remember that weddings are expensive!
  And not just for the Bride and Groom.
  Keep in mind that as a Bridesmaid or Groomsman, you will often have to spend a good chunk of money for your part that may or may not include:
• Travel expenses - getting to and from the wedding plus where you'll stay in the meantime. This might also mean multiple trips for extra events like Bridal/Wedding Shower, Bachelor(ette) Party and a potential number of other family and friend events leading up to the big shindig
• Gifts - Speaking of bridal showers, bachelor parties, and the wedding itself, you will be expected to give at least one gift. As mentioned before, gifts are not technically required for the official wedding etiquette. But general practice dictates at least 1 solid gift for the wedding. 
• Note - if you are attending the Wedding Shower, it's totally fine to give your one gift then and not at the wedding (or vice versa). You DON'T need to get multiple gifts. You can, but don't have to.
  That being said, many do like to get an extra something fun/slinky at bachelorette parties that may not be suitable to gift at the Bridal Shower (where the grandmas are waiting to gift precious house-warming items)

•  Apparel - Know that nowadays the bride and groom can't/don't always provide the wedding attire for their Bridal Party members. Though that used to be the case and though SOME couples can still afford to do so, it's more likely you'll be shelling out the dough for that GORGEOUS hot pink taffeta nightmare you "can totally wear again to parties and stuff"
  That can include tux rental, dress purchase, shoes, jewelry and maybe even hair and makeup depending on what the bride wants
  (trust me, the groom may SAY he chose your tux style, but you know who really wears the pants)
  
  
• Being a Bridesmaid (especially) or Groomsman can be emotionally taxing!       Ok, so maybe not stereotypically as applicable to the groomsmen, but do know that being the support to your engaged friend CAN take an emotional toll:
• They're Needy - not always true, but your role (as explained later) is mainly to support your friend as they're headed to the big day. That can mean helping with planning tasks, assisting in DIY (do it yourself) projects or just being that shoulder to cry on.
• It Makes You Think - big events like weddings dredge up your own feelings for your friends, your past relationships, current relationship and what it really means for love and marriage and commitment (yeah, yeah, Charlie Brown adult voice setting in, don't think I can't see your eyes glazing over)
  Basically, if you're single (and not happy about it), struggling with your own personal matters, or have strong feelings about this marriage (in a negative way - or that could come between the couple) - decide if you can handle those feelings appropriately and CRUSH THEM (the feelings, not the engaged couple!) OR politely decline and maybe just attend as a guest or not at all. 

Don't be THAT guy - ESPECIALLY as a member of the wedding party!

OVERALL - seriously think about if you have the time, energy and money to spend as the designated Wedding Party member. Though usually really fun and a great honor, it's also a lot of work and, often, stress. So keep that in mind when deciding.

1. Don't be afraid to ask for time to consider - say it this way, "I am so honored that you would like me to be your (minion). Do you mind if I take a day or two to think it over? It's a big commitment and I want to make sure I have the resources to be there 100% for your big day."
   
2. Similarly, don't be afraid to ask what all they expect from you - are you going to just be there for the main events to partayyyy! and just for emotional support? Or are you going to be the go-to person every step of the way, holding the shopping basket and hot-gluing paper flowers with them on the invites and getting sobbing calls about the overspending the budget at 3am the week before the wedding?
   Not saying that happens or anything... just a hypothetical situation of course...
3. If you can't afford it, be honest! Maybe the bride and groom can help with some of the expenses. OR, maybe they're fine if you just attend as a guest instead. There's nothing wrong with that. But there IS a problem if you agree, then can't handle the expectations - definitely a good way to throw some confrontation into your friendship.
   
4. If you're asked to be the "of Honor" or "Best" Minion, make sure you know what that entails and be prepared for extra duty to go with the title.

I said extra DUTY, not DOODIE... sheesh

Be honest with yourself and be honest with your friend - though they may be disappointed if you say no, they SHOULD be understanding of your choice. (Brides and Grooms - hint, hint, that's a note for YOU...)

So, what IS my job as a Bridal Party Minion?

                  

 I've decided this is what all Bridal Party Minions look like...

 
Alright! You're officially going to be a Bridesmaid... or Groomsman... or Brides-man? Whatever interesting name, traditional or... not. You're in the Wedding Party now. So that means, in the days leading up to the Wedding Day, it's all parties and stripper clubs and getting them wasted so they have an epic hangover at the ceremony, right?

Yeah... as fun as THAT all sounds... not so much.
Warning: this is not real life. I know it really seems like how it would go down, but for realsies, it's NOT.

Though it may not SEEM like it, you DO actually have a job as a Bridesmaid/Groomsman... aside from getting your person drunk. Though they may assign you that job along the way too...

As a Wedding Party member (minion), you are there to:

• Support the bride and groom emotionally and symbolically 
  You are there for emotional support and all the fun baggage that can come with that - but don't worry, you're already their friend right? ...Oh, you're the groom's sister and you only just met the bride... um, good luck?
       
• Be a witness to their marriage union   
  No, it's NOT like being a legal witness to a crime... and it may be wiser if you don't tell truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth... Just a suggestion, not necessarily a rule.
       
• Help the bride and groom BEFORE and DURING the wedding as much as possible 
  This can include a multitude of things from planning, crafting, buying things, going with them on beer runs, holding her hair while she pukes up those 12 bachelorette party jello shots, buying them a congratulatory drink (probably not RIGHT after the puking option...), making a toast at the wedding, keeping Uncle Bobert from peeing in the fountain, dancing with the tuna-breathed groomsman... the list goes on.
  The point is, it is YOUR JOB to help, however possible. Even if that means doing some things you may not normally like to do, for the sake of making the day go smoother for the Bride and Groom.
       
  
• Keep them on track  
  Cold feet, though seemingly silly and clichéd, happens more than you think. Even if you think the marriage is doomed, as a Wedding Party member, you MUST remind them why they're here. Keep them on track and help them calm down if they're freaking out. Stress does that to a person - so be the calm in the storm and help your friend out. (Side note - if you DO think the marriage is doomed, might not be the best idea to agree to be a Wedding Party Minion, just saying)

A Few Gentle Reminders

Aside from the "common sense" items like, you know, don't pick your butts in public...

REALLY? In unison and everything...

1. This day is NOT ABOUT YOU!
   Don't be that guy! Don't be that bridesmaid or groomsman that tries to hog the attention or make everything about THEM. Just don't.
   The Bride is a PRINCESS, the Groom is THE MAN - you treat them as such and let them have their moments to shine.
        
   
2. Act appropriately - in all circumstances.
   So whether that means being pleasant at a boring tea party and making small talk with family you don't know or relinquishing your brutal opinion about the bridesmaid dress she chose, be extra sensitive to the situation as well as the potential stress levels happening for your friend.
        
   Also, just a word to the wise - NEVER use the term Bridezilla.
   Until you're a Bride (if ever), you have NO idea the full levels of stress you have to deal with. Aside from ALL the planning of the wedding weekend itself, there's a LOT of family, personal and sometimes separately random issues to deal with. There can also be a lot of emotions surrounding expectations, clashing of desires (between the bride and groom or what the couple wants versus the family's wants - who is paying, etc.), personal stress, and so on.
   All in all, there are a LOT of factors playing into this big moment for the couple. Unless you want to piss your friend off, make a bad joke and look like an asshole, or otherwise put yourself in the doghouse, DO NOT CALL HER A BRIDEZILLA. (Even if she's being one...)
                      
3. Along with point #1, it's not just about the party time. Have fun but remember your job!

OVERALL

• Be honest but also nice
• Have patience
• BE THERE for your friend - help them however possible
• Be willing to make some sacrifices to make the Wedding go smoother
• Be willing to laugh at yourself (disclaimer: may also include your given attire... just saying)
• Have fun but also don't be THAT guy
                                       

SNARKY DIGEST VERSION

1. Don't be an asshole!
2. Dress in whatever the Bride tells you to wear (and shut your mouth about it!)
3. Play nice with the other kids

Huh... funny how that worked out...
                     

 And finally, what to do when you are:

 

The Bride and Groom

It's been a long, amazing, stressful, crazy, joyful, tearful, (insert adjective here) kind of process on this road to the wedding day! While I could probably fill books about all the ways to PLAN for the wedding (oh wait, there ARE gobs of books out there about just that...), here's all I'm going to say about the planning process (for now, until another blog topic inspires me)...

Please take this advice, paraphrased from one of the BEST wedding planning books (shown below) I read when I first got engaged:

Don't worry about how you want your wedding to LOOK, think instead about how you want your wedding to FEEL and let that inspiration guide your planning process. No one is going to remember the little details or what color the napkins were, but they will remember how it felt and what they enjoyed about it.

For more about that and other amazing planning advice, I highly recommend reading A Practical Wedding... by Meg Keene.

Honestly, the best down-to-earth advice about wedding planning and reminding you to do what YOU want, not what the wedding industry wants you to pay for in the name of "tradition." So check it out if you're newly engaged or starting the Wedding Planning process.

It's Your Wedding Day! Hooray! ... aka: Holy shit it's here!

You've planned and cried and planned and cried, almost eloped, and planned some more and it's finally here! Your wedding day! Or as so many would have you believe, "The Best Day of Your Life (up till now)" - and while that very well may be true, keep in mind nothing is ever perfect.

So here's my expert advice for you, Bride and Groom. Listen very carefully:

• RELAX - take a deep breath. All will be ok. At the end of the day, you will be MARRIED, and that's the most important part. So relax.
      
• Remember - it's just ONE day. Though you've spent a lot of time and money planning, it's still just one day, so have fun and enjoy all you've planned for but try to arrange some time to yourselves as well.
      
• Nothing is perfect - things don't always go as planned. In fact, there's a high likelihood of something (at least one thing) NOT going as planned. That is OK. Be flexible and laugh at the little things. More likely than not it'll make for fun memories
      
• Remember to soak it all up - Most married couples, when you ask about their wedding, will tell you it went by SO fast and it's all a blur. For a day you spend so much time and effort planning for, that can be a let-down if you let all the events whip you into a frenzy and swirl around you, overwhelming you until, oh hey, it's all over and here we are at the hotel now...
  If there's any good advice I can give, it's this - REALLY live in the moment. Take the time during your special day to soak it all up. Find those few precious moments and engrave them on your heart and memory so when you look back, you'll remember how you felt in that moment and how perfect it was to you.
      
• It's the Beginning, not the End - Don't forget, the wedding is NOT the end-all event that has to be perfection and "go out with a bang!" Give some extra focus to the ceremony - that's the real event of the marriage. And as for the reception - it's just a party. So chill out.
  Again, at the end of the day, the person you are marrying is the most important part - this is just the first day of many to come, so don't let the wedding itself overshadow the more important thing - the start of your marriage!
  

I know, I know, love and commitment and all that sentimental hooplah... You're welcome!

I hope you've enjoyed the second half of this Wedding Etiquette Guide - again, if you have any suggestions of what these groups MUST know that I've failed to mention, let me know in the comments!

Thanks!

You're Invited! Now just don't mess it up... (A Wedding Etiquette Guide Pt. 1)

 

It's that time of year again! Maybe you're twenty-something (like me) and getting to that point where many of your friends are getting hitched. Maybe you're the family of the happy couple. Maybe you're the plus-one going to some random person's shindig... Whatever the case may be, weddings are always going to be there, all throughout your life.
You could be a complete hermit and refuse to attend social gatherings on any scale...

Not quite the hermit we we meant... Though props on the fancy duds!

 ...but more likely than not, you will have to, at some time, attend a wedding - or even BE in a wedding (bridesmaids and weird uncles and crazy kids, oh my!)

Wedding season is here my friends, so what do you do now?
Here's my list of Wedding Etiquette to give you a good starting point (yes, for as long as this post is, it IS just a starting point). It's not an exhaustive list by any means but it'll give you a good guideline.

* Also note - that while I refer to "bride and groom" - I don't mean to disclude any same-sex couple weddings you may attend. For the sake of reference, I'm using "bride and groom" but that doesn't give you permission to act like a jerk at ANY weddings. So to avoid the accidental jerk-age (don't make it weird), follow the important steps listed below...


First of all, here's why you should listen to me when it comes to proper wedding behavior:

1. I worked 5 years as a server for a catering company that did hundreds of weddings every year (maybe a slight exaggeration - I didn't actually count, but still...) I know what it's like to WORK those weddings. The good, the bad, and the OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT CHILD EATING!?
   Trust me, it's an adventure seeing the MANY variations on a single event there can be.
2. I have been IN a handful of weddings as a bridesmaid and attended a half dozen more as a guest. 
3. I have been THE bride. Not the bridezilla. Never the bridezilla - but we'll get to that later in Part 2... 
4. Lastly, because I'm awesome.
   Which is really the most important reason now that I think of it.

What do mean the florist ran out of Shasta Daisies and had to use GERBERA Daisies instead!!!

 
I can tell you from experience, there are many sides to every wedding. Everyone has their own perspective and own opinions. HOWEVER, there's still a proper way to act, especially considering the amount of time, planning and stress that goes into making a wedding happen. Let alone getting it to be as close to perfect for the happy couple as possible.

So listen up! There are 3 perspectives to consider in the days leading up to the wedding and the wedding day itself:

• Attending as a Guest
• Being in the Wedding Party (bridesmaid, groomsman or whatever hipster name they've decided to call you)
• Being the Bride or Groom (aka THIS JUST GOT REAL, GUYS!)

Due to the fact that most will be dealing with the first scenario, and because many of the "rules" cross over, we will only be covering bullet point 1 in this post - What to Expect When You're Expecting... to Attend Someone's Wedding.
The other two - "That's right bitches, I'M the Maid of Honor!" and "HOLY SHIT WE'RE GETTING MARRIED TODAY" will be covered in Part 2 of the Wedding Etiquette Guide. So look for that coming soon...

So let's get down to business:

Attending as a Guest

Yay! You've been invited to your best friend's/2nd cousin's/that one guy from college's wedding! So... guess I'll just wait until the big day, roll out of bed and throw on a semi-wrinkled shirt and jeans and go get krunk! (is that even a phrase anymore? who knows... Don't be square guys, fo' shizzle...)

Wrong! You have a few things to think about as a wedding guest - so with all due respect, try not to screw it up!

Before the Big Day

• RSVP on time!

  The bride and groom are CRAZY busy (and some of them are just straight up CRAZY) with planning to make their big day awesome. For you. For the friends and family and random soon-to-be exes attending their wedding. The least you can do is help them out by telling them BEFORE or BY their requested RSVP date if they need to plan for you.
  Those who haven't planned a wedding before: you need to realize it's not just about you and if you feel like going to a party that day. Those numbers mean a place setting, food, drinks, favors and all kinds of other important things for the Bride and Groom to take into account - all of which cost money! So do them a favor and don't make them hunt you down to get an answer.

See guys, normal people still use "square" - my slang lingo is TOTES still hip and happenin'...

• DO NOT bring uninvited guests!

  Related to the RSVP - the people invited to the wedding should be those addressed on the invitation with the possible exception of having the plus-one option on the response card.
  "Mr. and Mrs. Barkinglaugh are cordially invited..." - that's 2 people. Just 2.
  "The Barkinglaugh Family" or "Mr. and Mrs. Barkinglaugh and family" = bring the kids - but not the boyfriends/girlfriends, best friends or neighbors of said family/kids. 
  I don't know why people think this is ok - but it's totally inconsiderate. I'm sorry (not sorry), but here's the deal:
  It is NEVER appropriate to bring extra (read: uninvited) people - friends, family or otherwise to someone else's wedding (unless with express permission from the Bride and Groom)
  
  Honestly, it's often a matter of money but it could be other personal reasons as well.
  The Bride and Groom, or whoever holds the purse-strings have to pay for each and every little bugger attending the wedding and reception. And whatever their reasons are for inviting or NOT inviting certain people, that's their choice. It's THEIR wedding - please respect that choice and don't try to bring someone else along just because YOU would rather have a guest. 
  

**Also - Don't assume you have a plus-one - sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. A thoughtful bride and groom will know that if you're married or have been seriously dating someone (6 months or longer, give or take), and that person SHOULD be invited. But don't assume, if you're single, that you always get to bring a date. Again, respect the bridal couple's choice in the matter.

Ok... getting off the soap box about this now... You get the idea - if in doubt, ask (nicely) for clarification but remember that NO is a perfectly valid answer and do not pitch a fit if that's what they say.

• To gift or not to gift, that is the question

  Gifts, though often implied or somewhat expected, are NOT actually a requirement by most Wedding Etiquette standards.
  Especially if you are a guest traveling a long way - weddings can be really expensive, for guests as well as the bride and groom. It's OK to just get a card.
  

  

  Well, maybe not THIS card... though the sentiment is probably appreciated

That being said, it IS nice to do a little something for a gift - even if it's a $20 bill in the card, or something homemade perhaps if you have a sentimental attachment to the couple or are particularly crafty.
Everyone gives and receives gifts differently, but there's no shame in NOT buying the couple a new yacht or a personalized Kitchen-Aid with a message hand-engraved by Vietnamese orphans. (no offense... if that's what you really WANT to get them...)

It's Time to Partay!!!

The Wedding Day is here! Now what?

• Wedding Attire - What the hell am I supposed to wear?Here's the simple breakdown - clue in to the wording on the invite OR ask the couple (well before the wedding week). This description on TheKnot.com gives some good examples as well.
  Note - time of day for the wedding can determine acceptable color options - typically lighter colors earlier in the day and darker colors more toward night (but for the most part, this doesn't matter as much now as it used to)

 What does them wordz mean?

• White Tie = Formal as Fu...dge. Fudge.
  Formal tuxedos for guys, ballgowns for ladies
• Black Tie = Still formal - regular tuxedos for guys, fancy cocktail dress or evening gown for ladies
• Formal or Black Tie optional = tuxedo or nice suit for guys, long dress, nice cocktail dress or dressy suit for ladies
• Semiformal or Casual Dressy = suit for guys, tie optional, cocktail dress or skirt and top for ladies
• Beach Casual = similar to Casual, but nice shorts and sandals are typically also acceptable options
• Casual = nice pants and dress shirt or polo for guys, summer dress, skirt or pants and blouse for ladies
• Note: Casual never means torn-up jeans and your Duck Dynasty camo T-shirt... unless maybe you're going to THIS wedding:

No judgment... Ok, maybe just a little judgment

No, no, it's fine see - it's an homage to your
beautiful garden wedding theme... for realsies

 A couple HELPFUL TIPS for attire:

1. For the ladies (to keep the Bride from physically maiming you on her wedding day) - Do not wear colors that will distract from the Bride - she is the princess, don't rain on her parade. Included by not limited to - Red, Neon colors, any shade of White (today that's her color alone; a mix of white with other colors is fine).
   Generally, just don't wear anything too distracting and you'll be fine
2. Ladies, also consider bringing a change of shoes  - is the wedding outside? Heels may not be the best choice if they're going to get stuck in the grass/mud. Wedges, flats, good to go. Keep in mind if there will be lots of dancing - maybe bring a change of shoes for the end of the night (especially if there may be alcohol involved)
3. For all - bring appropriate outer-wear. Check the weather - will it be cold, rainy, windy? Do you need a jacket, scarf, full-body snow-suit? Know yourself and if you tend to be cold/hot, if the wedding is outside and prepare accordingly.
4. If you know the color/style of outfits the Wedding Party is wearing but you were not asked to be in the wedding party, DO NOT wear that exact color/style of outfit. You not only look like a jerk, you look like a jerk passive-aggressively bitch slapping the new married couple and saying "hmm, you should have asked ME to be in your wedding party because damn I look good in this outfit..."
   Yeah, DON'T be that guy. (And when I say "that guy" - I don't mean just male-folk... anyone can be that guy, you know the one. Don't do it. Just don't.)
   

• How to Behave (like a normal person)
  The fact that I even have to put this section in here is a little sad - but somehow, people don't seem to realize that when you're at a Wedding, IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!
  (Spoilers - it's about the Bride and Groom!)
  
  So here's some pretty straightforward guidelines to how to behave at a Wedding:
• Don't get drunk - yeah there may be alcohol, but drink responsibly and don't embarrass yourself, or others, or puke on anybody, or try to proposition the bride's 84 year old grandmother... Really, just know your limits and DON'T BE THAT GUY

• Don't be embarrassing - though this goes hand in hand with the drunk note, it can hold its own as well.
  ~ I don't care if you're divorced and your ex is making out with her 21 year old boy toy out on the back patio so you decide to "show that punk kid what a real man looks like"
  ~ I don't care if you knew the groom since he was in diapers and LOVE telling the story about the time when he was five and only wore dresses for a year and you still think he's probably into other dudes more than his now-wife.
  ~ I don't care if you look really good in your Superman briefs and want to show them off to all the damsels at the party (unless you're 3, in which case it makes for adorable memories, this is SO not ok)
  
  I don't care.
  Act like an adult with REAL manners and be on your best behavior. If we have to tell children to do that in public, you'd better follow the same damn advice. Yeah, have some fun, but keep it appropriate and be aware of your situation and your audience.
  
  
• Don't criticize - Maybe the wedding isn't perfect or how YOU would have done it. Maybe the church was too hot and the food was too cold. Maybe you're miserable the whole time and want to go home and watch Say Yes to the Dress because "at least those dresses look halfway decent."
  But please, for the sake of the Bride and Groom, save the griping for when you get home and keep it between you and your significant other OR just keep your mouth shut. 
  
  And definitely DO NOT complain or make your critical remarks to the Bride, Groom, Bridal Party or family of the couple. It's not appropriate and regardless of if they agree with your trash talking, they don't need the extra stress it causes. Just don't.
  
  
  
• Leave the bride alone! - If you have questions or need help with a problem, refer to the invitation/wedding program/signage at the venue OR try to find the wedding planner or venue manager - sometimes these are the same person.
  Worst case scenario, ask someone in the bridal party or the Mother of the Bride.
  
  The bride is WAY too busy with, you know, her wedding, to answer questions about where you're supposed to sit or where the jackets are supposed to go.
  DO give the bride and groom your congratulations, love, maybe get a quick picture with them, but don't be offended if they're really distracted or don't get a chance to sing the Bohemian Rhapsody with you as originally planned. They've got a lot going on, so give them a little slack.
  
• DON'T BE THAT GUY - This is all I'll say - It's JUST a bunch of flowers, ladies. Don't make THIS your legacy:

Guaranteed - ain't nobody gonna wanna marry you after they witness THAT...
I don't care what the Official Bouquet Rules are...

 OVERALL

(Yeah, yeah, I know - you wish this section had been at the
BEGINNING instead of the end... Deal with it.)

• Have patience
• Give a little grace - not everything goes according to plan; so have a little forgiveness and flexibility
• Don't have expectations
• I don't mean you should expect it to be bad - I mean, don't have ANY expectations. It's like when you go into a movie you don't know much about and don't have any expectations good or bad - come at it with a clean mindset and you'll likely be pleasantly surprised. Or possibly slightly disappointed... but still, don't let preconceptions color your experience and more often than not, you'll have a good time.

• Have fun - so long as it's safe (and legal) 
• Keep in mind your role as a guest is:
• NOT to be served food, drinks, entertainment or otherwise, BUT...
• To witness the union of the couple
• To support them by your attendance and to show them that you care about/love them
• To celebrate with them as they start their marriage together!
  
  THAT'S ALL - so let those reminders guide your actions next time you're at a wedding.

SNARKY DIGEST VERSION:

1. Don't be an asshole!
2. Dress like a normal human being
3. Play nice with the other kids

 

Thanks for reading! Don't forget to check out Part 2 of the Wedding Etiquette to find out what additional rules should help guide you as a Wedding Party Member (I said don't be gross, guys!) and as the Bride or Groom.

Have an idea of what SUPER MEGA IMPORTANT guidelines you think should be added to this awesome list? Make your suggestions in the comments below!
Thanks and Happy Wedding Season, everyone!