So You're Going to Be in a Wedding... (A Wedding Etiquette Guide Pt. 2)

Hello again!

For those that didn't take the chance to read Part 1, specifically detailing the rules for Attending a Wedding as a Guest, shame on you! Now go to your room!
No, just kidding.
Since technically you're still a guest as someone IN the wedding, many of the same practices apply. So go read Part 1 here and come back to journey on with us...

Exotic destination brochure for Isla Nublar... "colorful wildlife" - NO SHIT!

In this section we will be giving special attention to Wedding Etiquette regarding those IN the wedding, specifically:

• Wedding Party - Bridesmaids and Groomsmen
• The Bride and Groom

While family of the bride and groom are often also in the wedding and deal with much of the planning process, a lot of their role ends up being similar to the Wedding Party (for the support aspect) as well as taking on some of the duties from the bride and groom (usually just the planning and speech-type things - don't make it weird, you guys!)

In addition to the basic guest rules, those participating IN the wedding have more to think about.
So in the spirit of the matrimonial season, let's just take the plunge into the deep end, shall we?

Um... not exactly what I meant...

Bridal (or "Wedding") Party

So your best friend/baby brother/random college buddy just posted all the beautifully obnoxious pictures on Facebook of the Golden Gate Bridge proposal shortly followed by a flood of "10 Steps to a Stress Free Wedding," "I Do's and Please Don't" and "Balancing the Budget for the Wedding of Your Dreams!" posts cluttering your news feed.
Then comes the call you were hoping for (expecting) - "Will you be one of my minions?" Well... something like that anyway. It's like your very own special Friend-posal.
That's right, suck it Becky - I'M the Maid of Honor, beeotch!

Yeah... you might want to consider a few things both before accepting AND once you've decided to take on the role of Bridesmaid or Groomsman:

Before You Say "I Do"... to being in the Wedding Party

• Remember that weddings are expensive!
  And not just for the Bride and Groom.
  Keep in mind that as a Bridesmaid or Groomsman, you will often have to spend a good chunk of money for your part that may or may not include:
• Travel expenses - getting to and from the wedding plus where you'll stay in the meantime. This might also mean multiple trips for extra events like Bridal/Wedding Shower, Bachelor(ette) Party and a potential number of other family and friend events leading up to the big shindig
• Gifts - Speaking of bridal showers, bachelor parties, and the wedding itself, you will be expected to give at least one gift. As mentioned before, gifts are not technically required for the official wedding etiquette. But general practice dictates at least 1 solid gift for the wedding. 
• Note - if you are attending the Wedding Shower, it's totally fine to give your one gift then and not at the wedding (or vice versa). You DON'T need to get multiple gifts. You can, but don't have to.
  That being said, many do like to get an extra something fun/slinky at bachelorette parties that may not be suitable to gift at the Bridal Shower (where the grandmas are waiting to gift precious house-warming items)

•  Apparel - Know that nowadays the bride and groom can't/don't always provide the wedding attire for their Bridal Party members. Though that used to be the case and though SOME couples can still afford to do so, it's more likely you'll be shelling out the dough for that GORGEOUS hot pink taffeta nightmare you "can totally wear again to parties and stuff"
  That can include tux rental, dress purchase, shoes, jewelry and maybe even hair and makeup depending on what the bride wants
  (trust me, the groom may SAY he chose your tux style, but you know who really wears the pants)
  
  
• Being a Bridesmaid (especially) or Groomsman can be emotionally taxing!       Ok, so maybe not stereotypically as applicable to the groomsmen, but do know that being the support to your engaged friend CAN take an emotional toll:
• They're Needy - not always true, but your role (as explained later) is mainly to support your friend as they're headed to the big day. That can mean helping with planning tasks, assisting in DIY (do it yourself) projects or just being that shoulder to cry on.
• It Makes You Think - big events like weddings dredge up your own feelings for your friends, your past relationships, current relationship and what it really means for love and marriage and commitment (yeah, yeah, Charlie Brown adult voice setting in, don't think I can't see your eyes glazing over)
  Basically, if you're single (and not happy about it), struggling with your own personal matters, or have strong feelings about this marriage (in a negative way - or that could come between the couple) - decide if you can handle those feelings appropriately and CRUSH THEM (the feelings, not the engaged couple!) OR politely decline and maybe just attend as a guest or not at all. 

Don't be THAT guy - ESPECIALLY as a member of the wedding party!

OVERALL - seriously think about if you have the time, energy and money to spend as the designated Wedding Party member. Though usually really fun and a great honor, it's also a lot of work and, often, stress. So keep that in mind when deciding.

1. Don't be afraid to ask for time to consider - say it this way, "I am so honored that you would like me to be your (minion). Do you mind if I take a day or two to think it over? It's a big commitment and I want to make sure I have the resources to be there 100% for your big day."
   
2. Similarly, don't be afraid to ask what all they expect from you - are you going to just be there for the main events to partayyyy! and just for emotional support? Or are you going to be the go-to person every step of the way, holding the shopping basket and hot-gluing paper flowers with them on the invites and getting sobbing calls about the overspending the budget at 3am the week before the wedding?
   Not saying that happens or anything... just a hypothetical situation of course...
3. If you can't afford it, be honest! Maybe the bride and groom can help with some of the expenses. OR, maybe they're fine if you just attend as a guest instead. There's nothing wrong with that. But there IS a problem if you agree, then can't handle the expectations - definitely a good way to throw some confrontation into your friendship.
   
4. If you're asked to be the "of Honor" or "Best" Minion, make sure you know what that entails and be prepared for extra duty to go with the title.

I said extra DUTY, not DOODIE... sheesh

Be honest with yourself and be honest with your friend - though they may be disappointed if you say no, they SHOULD be understanding of your choice. (Brides and Grooms - hint, hint, that's a note for YOU...)

So, what IS my job as a Bridal Party Minion?

                  

 I've decided this is what all Bridal Party Minions look like...

 
Alright! You're officially going to be a Bridesmaid... or Groomsman... or Brides-man? Whatever interesting name, traditional or... not. You're in the Wedding Party now. So that means, in the days leading up to the Wedding Day, it's all parties and stripper clubs and getting them wasted so they have an epic hangover at the ceremony, right?

Yeah... as fun as THAT all sounds... not so much.
Warning: this is not real life. I know it really seems like how it would go down, but for realsies, it's NOT.

Though it may not SEEM like it, you DO actually have a job as a Bridesmaid/Groomsman... aside from getting your person drunk. Though they may assign you that job along the way too...

As a Wedding Party member (minion), you are there to:

• Support the bride and groom emotionally and symbolically 
  You are there for emotional support and all the fun baggage that can come with that - but don't worry, you're already their friend right? ...Oh, you're the groom's sister and you only just met the bride... um, good luck?
       
• Be a witness to their marriage union   
  No, it's NOT like being a legal witness to a crime... and it may be wiser if you don't tell truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth... Just a suggestion, not necessarily a rule.
       
• Help the bride and groom BEFORE and DURING the wedding as much as possible 
  This can include a multitude of things from planning, crafting, buying things, going with them on beer runs, holding her hair while she pukes up those 12 bachelorette party jello shots, buying them a congratulatory drink (probably not RIGHT after the puking option...), making a toast at the wedding, keeping Uncle Bobert from peeing in the fountain, dancing with the tuna-breathed groomsman... the list goes on.
  The point is, it is YOUR JOB to help, however possible. Even if that means doing some things you may not normally like to do, for the sake of making the day go smoother for the Bride and Groom.
       
  
• Keep them on track  
  Cold feet, though seemingly silly and clichéd, happens more than you think. Even if you think the marriage is doomed, as a Wedding Party member, you MUST remind them why they're here. Keep them on track and help them calm down if they're freaking out. Stress does that to a person - so be the calm in the storm and help your friend out. (Side note - if you DO think the marriage is doomed, might not be the best idea to agree to be a Wedding Party Minion, just saying)

A Few Gentle Reminders

Aside from the "common sense" items like, you know, don't pick your butts in public...

REALLY? In unison and everything...

1. This day is NOT ABOUT YOU!
   Don't be that guy! Don't be that bridesmaid or groomsman that tries to hog the attention or make everything about THEM. Just don't.
   The Bride is a PRINCESS, the Groom is THE MAN - you treat them as such and let them have their moments to shine.
        
   
2. Act appropriately - in all circumstances.
   So whether that means being pleasant at a boring tea party and making small talk with family you don't know or relinquishing your brutal opinion about the bridesmaid dress she chose, be extra sensitive to the situation as well as the potential stress levels happening for your friend.
        
   Also, just a word to the wise - NEVER use the term Bridezilla.
   Until you're a Bride (if ever), you have NO idea the full levels of stress you have to deal with. Aside from ALL the planning of the wedding weekend itself, there's a LOT of family, personal and sometimes separately random issues to deal with. There can also be a lot of emotions surrounding expectations, clashing of desires (between the bride and groom or what the couple wants versus the family's wants - who is paying, etc.), personal stress, and so on.
   All in all, there are a LOT of factors playing into this big moment for the couple. Unless you want to piss your friend off, make a bad joke and look like an asshole, or otherwise put yourself in the doghouse, DO NOT CALL HER A BRIDEZILLA. (Even if she's being one...)
                      
3. Along with point #1, it's not just about the party time. Have fun but remember your job!

OVERALL

• Be honest but also nice
• Have patience
• BE THERE for your friend - help them however possible
• Be willing to make some sacrifices to make the Wedding go smoother
• Be willing to laugh at yourself (disclaimer: may also include your given attire... just saying)
• Have fun but also don't be THAT guy
                                       

SNARKY DIGEST VERSION

1. Don't be an asshole!
2. Dress in whatever the Bride tells you to wear (and shut your mouth about it!)
3. Play nice with the other kids

Huh... funny how that worked out...
                     

 And finally, what to do when you are:

 

The Bride and Groom

It's been a long, amazing, stressful, crazy, joyful, tearful, (insert adjective here) kind of process on this road to the wedding day! While I could probably fill books about all the ways to PLAN for the wedding (oh wait, there ARE gobs of books out there about just that...), here's all I'm going to say about the planning process (for now, until another blog topic inspires me)...

Please take this advice, paraphrased from one of the BEST wedding planning books (shown below) I read when I first got engaged:

Don't worry about how you want your wedding to LOOK, think instead about how you want your wedding to FEEL and let that inspiration guide your planning process. No one is going to remember the little details or what color the napkins were, but they will remember how it felt and what they enjoyed about it.

For more about that and other amazing planning advice, I highly recommend reading A Practical Wedding... by Meg Keene.

Honestly, the best down-to-earth advice about wedding planning and reminding you to do what YOU want, not what the wedding industry wants you to pay for in the name of "tradition." So check it out if you're newly engaged or starting the Wedding Planning process.

It's Your Wedding Day! Hooray! ... aka: Holy shit it's here!

You've planned and cried and planned and cried, almost eloped, and planned some more and it's finally here! Your wedding day! Or as so many would have you believe, "The Best Day of Your Life (up till now)" - and while that very well may be true, keep in mind nothing is ever perfect.

So here's my expert advice for you, Bride and Groom. Listen very carefully:

• RELAX - take a deep breath. All will be ok. At the end of the day, you will be MARRIED, and that's the most important part. So relax.
      
• Remember - it's just ONE day. Though you've spent a lot of time and money planning, it's still just one day, so have fun and enjoy all you've planned for but try to arrange some time to yourselves as well.
      
• Nothing is perfect - things don't always go as planned. In fact, there's a high likelihood of something (at least one thing) NOT going as planned. That is OK. Be flexible and laugh at the little things. More likely than not it'll make for fun memories
      
• Remember to soak it all up - Most married couples, when you ask about their wedding, will tell you it went by SO fast and it's all a blur. For a day you spend so much time and effort planning for, that can be a let-down if you let all the events whip you into a frenzy and swirl around you, overwhelming you until, oh hey, it's all over and here we are at the hotel now...
  If there's any good advice I can give, it's this - REALLY live in the moment. Take the time during your special day to soak it all up. Find those few precious moments and engrave them on your heart and memory so when you look back, you'll remember how you felt in that moment and how perfect it was to you.
      
• It's the Beginning, not the End - Don't forget, the wedding is NOT the end-all event that has to be perfection and "go out with a bang!" Give some extra focus to the ceremony - that's the real event of the marriage. And as for the reception - it's just a party. So chill out.
  Again, at the end of the day, the person you are marrying is the most important part - this is just the first day of many to come, so don't let the wedding itself overshadow the more important thing - the start of your marriage!
  

I know, I know, love and commitment and all that sentimental hooplah... You're welcome!

I hope you've enjoyed the second half of this Wedding Etiquette Guide - again, if you have any suggestions of what these groups MUST know that I've failed to mention, let me know in the comments!

Thanks!