This isn't Flying, it's Falling With Style!

Think of the #1 thing on your bucket list. Ok, let's be real for a moment - the #1 thing on pretty much EVERYONE'S bucket lists...

Yeah, you know the one...

SKYDIVING!

aka, Roller Coaster on Steroids   
aka, Falling With Style (thank you Buzz & Woody... guys, I said don't make it weird!)



You ask most people what's one thing they'd like to do before they die (kick the bucket) and unless they have an incapacitating fear of heights, they'll say Skydiving.

And I can tell you from experience - it's freaking awesome!
So awesome, in fact, I went twice! (no, not in the same day - though if you're willing to pay for it, most places will let you).

I mean, let's face it, where else can you get GORGEOUS pictures like this?

So today I'm going to tell you, in great story-telling fashion, why skydiving is totally awesome and you should do it (if you want to).

Sorry (not sorry) - Couldn't help it...

RISING ACTION

Before you fall, you must fly.
Deep, right? I know - I'm all poetic and shit. But really you literally, and I do mean LITERALLY, have to fly up before you jump out at 12,000 feet. At least when doing it the normal way - there are other crazy ways to parachute, base jumping and such but since I haven't done those (yet), we'll stick to the basic parachuting experience.
Also, before you can learn to jump solo (many lessons and jumps later), you must take that first initial Tandem Jump.
That's right - strap on that tall, muscly man like a teddy bear backpack and jump for it, beetches!

Preparing for Parachuting

Let's just assume you've already made the decision and set the appointment at your local dive-school.

Step #1 - You're gonna pay!
No, really. Skydiving is a bit spendy (if you're poor or a college student... so same thing). My jump cost around $250 on it's own. That doesn't include the pictures OR video OR BOTH you can purchase separately for another $80-150... Plane fuel costs money guys, get over it.
In any case, be prepared to shell out the dough for that adrenaline-pumping bucket list fulfillment.

Step #2 - Sign your life away
Watch a video about the many potential dangers of parachuting and sign your life away. No, for reals. You have to sign a liability waiver saying you understand the dangers and want to do the dangerous thing anyway. That you take FULL responsibility and promise not to sue them if you die. That sort of thing...

Step #3 - How to: Fall in Style
Not scared away yet? Good. Now just a few more HOURS of the boring junk before your 2 minutes of awesome. Haha, you think I'm joking? That's cute...

The training portion itself probably only takes about an hour, if that - learning how swing back and forth (while attached at the hips and shoulders to some random dude you just met) before swinging OUT OF THE PLANE, how to position your body (yep, the dude is still there...), how to arch properly (just ignore him), and all those other important things, like where the backup 'chute is in case the main one malfunctions (aka Farts in your General Direction [insert Ted and Robin salute here], ok, I'll stop, I promise), and how to land without breaking your legs... All the good stuff.

It's the waiting that's the biggest pain in the ass. Again, I mean that literally... Or I guess, more accurately, biggest pain in the crotch:

He's smiling now... but 2 hours of that harness pinching his junk will tell a different story...

Pay the fees, wait your turn then watch your video and sign your life away, wait, meet your instructor. Wait. Watch the 2, 3, 4, groups before you go up in the plane (20 minutes up) and jump (2 minutes down - each), wait some more. In the harness. All the goodness.
Wait, what's that!? You've got the excited/nervous pees? Hahaha... Boys, you've got it slightly easier there... Girls, better take off that harness and put it back on when you're done. Oh yeah, then wait some more.

Step #4 - the MOST anxious plane ride
FINALLY, your turn and you get on the little plane. Cram in there like sardines and, oh yeah, scoot that booty right close to your instructor's business (aka random guy you just met, up close and inside the personal bubble... hey! I said, stop making it weird!)
Don't worry, in a few minutes you get to strap your hips to his and your shoulder straps to his too.

Nice and snug? Oh and there's another few people in your lap? Yep, sounds about right.
Hope you're comfy. Remember that 20 minute plane ride I told you about?
Yeah... It takes around 20 minutes to get up to altitude before you get to jump - that's about 12,000 feet. WOO!

So might as well take a selfie:

... while sitting in your Random Dude's lap...

   

CLIMAX

Like any good story - it's got to have an epic climax! (Oy! Don't make me tell you again... I will turn this car around!)
What goes up must come down. And that means out the door, unless you chicken out or have health issues and thereby turn the trip into the most disappointing plane ride you've ever had...

Side note! Did you know if you talk too much while riding the plane up, you can have a lack of oxygen issue due to the high altitudes called hypoxia where you start to feel faint and like you're going to pass out... yeah. Me either. Until it happened on Round 2 (don't worry - I went back up with the next group after my disappointing plane ride and got to jump again).
You've been warned - keep the chit-chat to a minimum. Don't worry, you have other things to think about - like how you're about to WILLINGLY jump out of a perfectly good airplane.

The Jump

This is it! The climactic moment you've trained for (a couple hours still counts!). The moment when for a solid 10 seconds (in my professional estimate), you get that feeling of weightlessness and flood of adrenaline. So basically, the 10 seconds you just paid $350 for (plus pics). The RUSH.

HOLY SHITBALLS WHAT THE F-HELL WAS I THINKING - GAAAAHHHH!

Yeah, also pretty much guaranteed you're going to make a sexy face like this the first time out. Just saying...

I will say this, though. Those first 10 seconds of falling... Totally worth it! The feeling is similar to the first time you're on a roller coaster and go over that first big hill. That drop in your stomach. Except times twenty!
Pretty sure this is the moment I acknowledged I could easily be an adrenaline junkie.
It's scary, and crazy and so incredibly fun.

    

FALLING ACTION

After that first 10 seconds of awesome comes the fall. The less-awesome-but-still-pretty-cool moments of air rushing by your head as you plummet from 12,000 feet (sometimes higher).

This is the Free-fall.

Imagine driving on the freeway... ok, fine, make it legal - the Autobahn - at 115 mph with your head out the window. Except instead of traveling forward, you're falling DOWN. That's probably fairly similar to how it feels.
 

It's pretty common for your mouth to dry out - as the wind is blowing by you so fast - yeah, your lips might be fluttering and smacking around a bit. That happens.

Similarly, as you work hard to remember those arm and feet positions (your body becomes a C - where your back is the curved part) and that arch, the air is SUPER loud as it blows by your ears.

You might find yourself smiling a lot at the exhilaration, and the funny way it tickles when the air rushes up your nose...

In other words - making for REALLY GORGEOUS pictures.


So this part of the free-fall, not including the awesome first 10 seconds, is overall just ok. Loud, and whooshing (yes it's a verb - I just decided!), and a rush - all in all, lasts about a minute or so.
In and of itself, kind of boring.

So when people tell you to go indoor skydiving instead - "it's not as dangerous and just as fun!"
That's what you'll be getting. The boring part of the free-fall without the awesome view...

Hey Tiffany! I can see right down your shirt!!! WOOO...

... Well I guess it depends on your expectation of "view"...

So now that you've dropped from 12,000 or so feet to around 2,500 feet (give or take) in a matter of a couple minutes, it's time to pop that parachute.

Parachuting

The instructor (Random Dude you've come quite close to now...) pulls the ripcord. The parachute opens. You descend in a slower, more scenic ride down.

 

Give or take.
Just know when the parachute opens, without getting too technical, it yanks your whole freaking body upwards.

Have you ever, as a child, been picked up by your overall straps? No? Just me?
Ok, well it's somewhat like that. The entirety of your body weight grabbed up by the shoulders.

See, wasn't just me...

Yeah, and remember that beautiful harness? Guess where the pressure is... You've got it! Pinching on the inner leg/crotch area again.
Luckily, it's not too long - another 5 minutes or so as you float your way down.

Also, you're likely going to do some turns and maybe even a steep spiral or two (yay pinching the crotch and making your leg go dead for a second)
It really is a lot of fun though.

Also, for those more nervous - know your instructor handles the "driving" as you're in the air. You might get a chance to hold some secondary handles, but keep in mind it's the Random Dude that makes sure you come in for a safe landing.

Then, as you come to the end of the "fall" - you either walk it in with the dude stradle-walking behind you OR you slide in on your butt, feet in front of you. Don't worry, the instructor dude will tell you either way.

Safely on the ground again. See, that wasn't so bad!

So, unless you really WANT to play it the safe way...

... I'd say suck it up and strap on that tall, muscly man-backpack.
Honestly, it was one of the best experiences! (actually skydiving - not the floor-hugging crap that lady is doing)

Would I do it again?
Hells yes! If I had the money (and time), I would love to take the course (longer and more training) to learn to jump solo. That would be so awesome!

Would I recommend others do it?
Yes, but...
And what I mean by that is this. If you WANT to skydive, and so long as you KNOW the risks, I think you should do it. It's really amazing and seriously one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life that I'm sure others would also (and do) enjoy.

That being said - know the dangers, know what it costs, and know if you really want to go.
Also, for the sake of your crotch, don't wear jeans... 

Good luck and happy flying... achem... FALLING! (with style, of course, always with style)

You know you want to look THIS sexy with a Random Dude on your back too!

My first Tandem Jump... but not my last!

Thanks for reading! Have any other suggestions to add to my bucket list? I'd love to hear them in the comments below!

I'll be making my Official Bucket List post at some point soon - going over my list I made in high school, which ones I've done so far (like skydiving) and what my list has evolved to now! So keep an eye out for that one as it comes up!

Random Story Time!

Ok, so this is new for me. Ever since I was in 6th grade, I've loved writing stories. I've kept lists of story ideas, taken creative writing classes in school and even tinkered with some book ideas - aside from some scenes and plays I've written.
Though I've shown/workshopped some of my plays and stories in the classes I've taken, I've always kept my fiction stories, short and long, to myself.

So I've decided to occasionally share some of that writing - little daily exercises or story idea blips - on this blog. Particularly because it scares the shit out of me.
Therefore, I need to conquer it.

I hope you all enjoy these random story times as they come up - they're helping me overcome my writing fears and self-doubt and, as I said in my intro post, keeping me writing. Because writers write.
(And for any other writers who need the extra push - maybe you can follow along with some of the writing exercises I post to help overcome your own fears or insecurities in writing as well.)

Writing Exercise - "Picture It"

Choose a picture that inspires you and write for 15 minutes about it.

I held the tiny thing in my palm, feeling the pin-pricks of its claws as it moved with slow, wobbling steps. Not sharp enough to hurt. Not yet. 

The leathery wings unfurled, thin as a butterfly’s. It would be a while before they would be strong enough to support the baby’s weight. Around the year mark, if it was on track with the others. 

The baby dragon gingerly opened its marble-round eyes. Liquid onyx. He saw me at once, rearing his salamander head back as he took in my looming presence. His shoulders hunched and the tail flicked back and forth. And back again. He let out a tiny, adorable hiss. 

Wary. An instinctual fighter. That was good. 

Then, with a bob of the head, he snorted a sneeze. The burp of smoke filtered up, dissipating, like that of a match-head abruptly blown out. The newborn shook his head once, clearing it, then looked back at me. He wasn’t afraid this time. Just curious. 

The forked tongue flicked out and tickled my wrist, taking in the scent of me. A good sign this soon. He would bond quickly and that would make the training all the easier. I smirked a half grin at his snuffling little muzzle and admired the silvery sheen of his scales. 

This one might yet be my favorite of them all. 

Thanks for reading! Until next time...

So You're Going to Be in a Wedding... (A Wedding Etiquette Guide Pt. 2)

Hello again!

For those that didn't take the chance to read Part 1, specifically detailing the rules for Attending a Wedding as a Guest, shame on you! Now go to your room!
No, just kidding.
Since technically you're still a guest as someone IN the wedding, many of the same practices apply. So go read Part 1 here and come back to journey on with us...

Exotic destination brochure for Isla Nublar... "colorful wildlife" - NO SHIT!

In this section we will be giving special attention to Wedding Etiquette regarding those IN the wedding, specifically:

• Wedding Party - Bridesmaids and Groomsmen
• The Bride and Groom

While family of the bride and groom are often also in the wedding and deal with much of the planning process, a lot of their role ends up being similar to the Wedding Party (for the support aspect) as well as taking on some of the duties from the bride and groom (usually just the planning and speech-type things - don't make it weird, you guys!)

In addition to the basic guest rules, those participating IN the wedding have more to think about.
So in the spirit of the matrimonial season, let's just take the plunge into the deep end, shall we?

Um... not exactly what I meant...

Bridal (or "Wedding") Party

So your best friend/baby brother/random college buddy just posted all the beautifully obnoxious pictures on Facebook of the Golden Gate Bridge proposal shortly followed by a flood of "10 Steps to a Stress Free Wedding," "I Do's and Please Don't" and "Balancing the Budget for the Wedding of Your Dreams!" posts cluttering your news feed.
Then comes the call you were hoping for (expecting) - "Will you be one of my minions?" Well... something like that anyway. It's like your very own special Friend-posal.
That's right, suck it Becky - I'M the Maid of Honor, beeotch!

Yeah... you might want to consider a few things both before accepting AND once you've decided to take on the role of Bridesmaid or Groomsman:

Before You Say "I Do"... to being in the Wedding Party

• Remember that weddings are expensive!
  And not just for the Bride and Groom.
  Keep in mind that as a Bridesmaid or Groomsman, you will often have to spend a good chunk of money for your part that may or may not include:
• Travel expenses - getting to and from the wedding plus where you'll stay in the meantime. This might also mean multiple trips for extra events like Bridal/Wedding Shower, Bachelor(ette) Party and a potential number of other family and friend events leading up to the big shindig
• Gifts - Speaking of bridal showers, bachelor parties, and the wedding itself, you will be expected to give at least one gift. As mentioned before, gifts are not technically required for the official wedding etiquette. But general practice dictates at least 1 solid gift for the wedding. 
• Note - if you are attending the Wedding Shower, it's totally fine to give your one gift then and not at the wedding (or vice versa). You DON'T need to get multiple gifts. You can, but don't have to.
  That being said, many do like to get an extra something fun/slinky at bachelorette parties that may not be suitable to gift at the Bridal Shower (where the grandmas are waiting to gift precious house-warming items)

•  Apparel - Know that nowadays the bride and groom can't/don't always provide the wedding attire for their Bridal Party members. Though that used to be the case and though SOME couples can still afford to do so, it's more likely you'll be shelling out the dough for that GORGEOUS hot pink taffeta nightmare you "can totally wear again to parties and stuff"
  That can include tux rental, dress purchase, shoes, jewelry and maybe even hair and makeup depending on what the bride wants
  (trust me, the groom may SAY he chose your tux style, but you know who really wears the pants)
  
  
• Being a Bridesmaid (especially) or Groomsman can be emotionally taxing!       Ok, so maybe not stereotypically as applicable to the groomsmen, but do know that being the support to your engaged friend CAN take an emotional toll:
• They're Needy - not always true, but your role (as explained later) is mainly to support your friend as they're headed to the big day. That can mean helping with planning tasks, assisting in DIY (do it yourself) projects or just being that shoulder to cry on.
• It Makes You Think - big events like weddings dredge up your own feelings for your friends, your past relationships, current relationship and what it really means for love and marriage and commitment (yeah, yeah, Charlie Brown adult voice setting in, don't think I can't see your eyes glazing over)
  Basically, if you're single (and not happy about it), struggling with your own personal matters, or have strong feelings about this marriage (in a negative way - or that could come between the couple) - decide if you can handle those feelings appropriately and CRUSH THEM (the feelings, not the engaged couple!) OR politely decline and maybe just attend as a guest or not at all. 

Don't be THAT guy - ESPECIALLY as a member of the wedding party!

OVERALL - seriously think about if you have the time, energy and money to spend as the designated Wedding Party member. Though usually really fun and a great honor, it's also a lot of work and, often, stress. So keep that in mind when deciding.

1. Don't be afraid to ask for time to consider - say it this way, "I am so honored that you would like me to be your (minion). Do you mind if I take a day or two to think it over? It's a big commitment and I want to make sure I have the resources to be there 100% for your big day."
   
2. Similarly, don't be afraid to ask what all they expect from you - are you going to just be there for the main events to partayyyy! and just for emotional support? Or are you going to be the go-to person every step of the way, holding the shopping basket and hot-gluing paper flowers with them on the invites and getting sobbing calls about the overspending the budget at 3am the week before the wedding?
   Not saying that happens or anything... just a hypothetical situation of course...
3. If you can't afford it, be honest! Maybe the bride and groom can help with some of the expenses. OR, maybe they're fine if you just attend as a guest instead. There's nothing wrong with that. But there IS a problem if you agree, then can't handle the expectations - definitely a good way to throw some confrontation into your friendship.
   
4. If you're asked to be the "of Honor" or "Best" Minion, make sure you know what that entails and be prepared for extra duty to go with the title.

I said extra DUTY, not DOODIE... sheesh

Be honest with yourself and be honest with your friend - though they may be disappointed if you say no, they SHOULD be understanding of your choice. (Brides and Grooms - hint, hint, that's a note for YOU...)

So, what IS my job as a Bridal Party Minion?

                  

 I've decided this is what all Bridal Party Minions look like...

 
Alright! You're officially going to be a Bridesmaid... or Groomsman... or Brides-man? Whatever interesting name, traditional or... not. You're in the Wedding Party now. So that means, in the days leading up to the Wedding Day, it's all parties and stripper clubs and getting them wasted so they have an epic hangover at the ceremony, right?

Yeah... as fun as THAT all sounds... not so much.
Warning: this is not real life. I know it really seems like how it would go down, but for realsies, it's NOT.

Though it may not SEEM like it, you DO actually have a job as a Bridesmaid/Groomsman... aside from getting your person drunk. Though they may assign you that job along the way too...

As a Wedding Party member (minion), you are there to:

• Support the bride and groom emotionally and symbolically 
  You are there for emotional support and all the fun baggage that can come with that - but don't worry, you're already their friend right? ...Oh, you're the groom's sister and you only just met the bride... um, good luck?
       
• Be a witness to their marriage union   
  No, it's NOT like being a legal witness to a crime... and it may be wiser if you don't tell truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth... Just a suggestion, not necessarily a rule.
       
• Help the bride and groom BEFORE and DURING the wedding as much as possible 
  This can include a multitude of things from planning, crafting, buying things, going with them on beer runs, holding her hair while she pukes up those 12 bachelorette party jello shots, buying them a congratulatory drink (probably not RIGHT after the puking option...), making a toast at the wedding, keeping Uncle Bobert from peeing in the fountain, dancing with the tuna-breathed groomsman... the list goes on.
  The point is, it is YOUR JOB to help, however possible. Even if that means doing some things you may not normally like to do, for the sake of making the day go smoother for the Bride and Groom.
       
  
• Keep them on track  
  Cold feet, though seemingly silly and clichéd, happens more than you think. Even if you think the marriage is doomed, as a Wedding Party member, you MUST remind them why they're here. Keep them on track and help them calm down if they're freaking out. Stress does that to a person - so be the calm in the storm and help your friend out. (Side note - if you DO think the marriage is doomed, might not be the best idea to agree to be a Wedding Party Minion, just saying)

A Few Gentle Reminders

Aside from the "common sense" items like, you know, don't pick your butts in public...

REALLY? In unison and everything...

1. This day is NOT ABOUT YOU!
   Don't be that guy! Don't be that bridesmaid or groomsman that tries to hog the attention or make everything about THEM. Just don't.
   The Bride is a PRINCESS, the Groom is THE MAN - you treat them as such and let them have their moments to shine.
        
   
2. Act appropriately - in all circumstances.
   So whether that means being pleasant at a boring tea party and making small talk with family you don't know or relinquishing your brutal opinion about the bridesmaid dress she chose, be extra sensitive to the situation as well as the potential stress levels happening for your friend.
        
   Also, just a word to the wise - NEVER use the term Bridezilla.
   Until you're a Bride (if ever), you have NO idea the full levels of stress you have to deal with. Aside from ALL the planning of the wedding weekend itself, there's a LOT of family, personal and sometimes separately random issues to deal with. There can also be a lot of emotions surrounding expectations, clashing of desires (between the bride and groom or what the couple wants versus the family's wants - who is paying, etc.), personal stress, and so on.
   All in all, there are a LOT of factors playing into this big moment for the couple. Unless you want to piss your friend off, make a bad joke and look like an asshole, or otherwise put yourself in the doghouse, DO NOT CALL HER A BRIDEZILLA. (Even if she's being one...)
                      
3. Along with point #1, it's not just about the party time. Have fun but remember your job!

OVERALL

• Be honest but also nice
• Have patience
• BE THERE for your friend - help them however possible
• Be willing to make some sacrifices to make the Wedding go smoother
• Be willing to laugh at yourself (disclaimer: may also include your given attire... just saying)
• Have fun but also don't be THAT guy
                                       

SNARKY DIGEST VERSION

1. Don't be an asshole!
2. Dress in whatever the Bride tells you to wear (and shut your mouth about it!)
3. Play nice with the other kids

Huh... funny how that worked out...
                     

 And finally, what to do when you are:

 

The Bride and Groom

It's been a long, amazing, stressful, crazy, joyful, tearful, (insert adjective here) kind of process on this road to the wedding day! While I could probably fill books about all the ways to PLAN for the wedding (oh wait, there ARE gobs of books out there about just that...), here's all I'm going to say about the planning process (for now, until another blog topic inspires me)...

Please take this advice, paraphrased from one of the BEST wedding planning books (shown below) I read when I first got engaged:

Don't worry about how you want your wedding to LOOK, think instead about how you want your wedding to FEEL and let that inspiration guide your planning process. No one is going to remember the little details or what color the napkins were, but they will remember how it felt and what they enjoyed about it.

For more about that and other amazing planning advice, I highly recommend reading A Practical Wedding... by Meg Keene.

Honestly, the best down-to-earth advice about wedding planning and reminding you to do what YOU want, not what the wedding industry wants you to pay for in the name of "tradition." So check it out if you're newly engaged or starting the Wedding Planning process.

It's Your Wedding Day! Hooray! ... aka: Holy shit it's here!

You've planned and cried and planned and cried, almost eloped, and planned some more and it's finally here! Your wedding day! Or as so many would have you believe, "The Best Day of Your Life (up till now)" - and while that very well may be true, keep in mind nothing is ever perfect.

So here's my expert advice for you, Bride and Groom. Listen very carefully:

• RELAX - take a deep breath. All will be ok. At the end of the day, you will be MARRIED, and that's the most important part. So relax.
      
• Remember - it's just ONE day. Though you've spent a lot of time and money planning, it's still just one day, so have fun and enjoy all you've planned for but try to arrange some time to yourselves as well.
      
• Nothing is perfect - things don't always go as planned. In fact, there's a high likelihood of something (at least one thing) NOT going as planned. That is OK. Be flexible and laugh at the little things. More likely than not it'll make for fun memories
      
• Remember to soak it all up - Most married couples, when you ask about their wedding, will tell you it went by SO fast and it's all a blur. For a day you spend so much time and effort planning for, that can be a let-down if you let all the events whip you into a frenzy and swirl around you, overwhelming you until, oh hey, it's all over and here we are at the hotel now...
  If there's any good advice I can give, it's this - REALLY live in the moment. Take the time during your special day to soak it all up. Find those few precious moments and engrave them on your heart and memory so when you look back, you'll remember how you felt in that moment and how perfect it was to you.
      
• It's the Beginning, not the End - Don't forget, the wedding is NOT the end-all event that has to be perfection and "go out with a bang!" Give some extra focus to the ceremony - that's the real event of the marriage. And as for the reception - it's just a party. So chill out.
  Again, at the end of the day, the person you are marrying is the most important part - this is just the first day of many to come, so don't let the wedding itself overshadow the more important thing - the start of your marriage!
  

I know, I know, love and commitment and all that sentimental hooplah... You're welcome!

I hope you've enjoyed the second half of this Wedding Etiquette Guide - again, if you have any suggestions of what these groups MUST know that I've failed to mention, let me know in the comments!

Thanks!

You're Invited! Now just don't mess it up... (A Wedding Etiquette Guide Pt. 1)

 

It's that time of year again! Maybe you're twenty-something (like me) and getting to that point where many of your friends are getting hitched. Maybe you're the family of the happy couple. Maybe you're the plus-one going to some random person's shindig... Whatever the case may be, weddings are always going to be there, all throughout your life.
You could be a complete hermit and refuse to attend social gatherings on any scale...

Not quite the hermit we we meant... Though props on the fancy duds!

 ...but more likely than not, you will have to, at some time, attend a wedding - or even BE in a wedding (bridesmaids and weird uncles and crazy kids, oh my!)

Wedding season is here my friends, so what do you do now?
Here's my list of Wedding Etiquette to give you a good starting point (yes, for as long as this post is, it IS just a starting point). It's not an exhaustive list by any means but it'll give you a good guideline.

* Also note - that while I refer to "bride and groom" - I don't mean to disclude any same-sex couple weddings you may attend. For the sake of reference, I'm using "bride and groom" but that doesn't give you permission to act like a jerk at ANY weddings. So to avoid the accidental jerk-age (don't make it weird), follow the important steps listed below...


First of all, here's why you should listen to me when it comes to proper wedding behavior:

1. I worked 5 years as a server for a catering company that did hundreds of weddings every year (maybe a slight exaggeration - I didn't actually count, but still...) I know what it's like to WORK those weddings. The good, the bad, and the OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT CHILD EATING!?
   Trust me, it's an adventure seeing the MANY variations on a single event there can be.
2. I have been IN a handful of weddings as a bridesmaid and attended a half dozen more as a guest. 
3. I have been THE bride. Not the bridezilla. Never the bridezilla - but we'll get to that later in Part 2... 
4. Lastly, because I'm awesome.
   Which is really the most important reason now that I think of it.

What do mean the florist ran out of Shasta Daisies and had to use GERBERA Daisies instead!!!

 
I can tell you from experience, there are many sides to every wedding. Everyone has their own perspective and own opinions. HOWEVER, there's still a proper way to act, especially considering the amount of time, planning and stress that goes into making a wedding happen. Let alone getting it to be as close to perfect for the happy couple as possible.

So listen up! There are 3 perspectives to consider in the days leading up to the wedding and the wedding day itself:

• Attending as a Guest
• Being in the Wedding Party (bridesmaid, groomsman or whatever hipster name they've decided to call you)
• Being the Bride or Groom (aka THIS JUST GOT REAL, GUYS!)

Due to the fact that most will be dealing with the first scenario, and because many of the "rules" cross over, we will only be covering bullet point 1 in this post - What to Expect When You're Expecting... to Attend Someone's Wedding.
The other two - "That's right bitches, I'M the Maid of Honor!" and "HOLY SHIT WE'RE GETTING MARRIED TODAY" will be covered in Part 2 of the Wedding Etiquette Guide. So look for that coming soon...

So let's get down to business:

Attending as a Guest

Yay! You've been invited to your best friend's/2nd cousin's/that one guy from college's wedding! So... guess I'll just wait until the big day, roll out of bed and throw on a semi-wrinkled shirt and jeans and go get krunk! (is that even a phrase anymore? who knows... Don't be square guys, fo' shizzle...)

Wrong! You have a few things to think about as a wedding guest - so with all due respect, try not to screw it up!

Before the Big Day

• RSVP on time!

  The bride and groom are CRAZY busy (and some of them are just straight up CRAZY) with planning to make their big day awesome. For you. For the friends and family and random soon-to-be exes attending their wedding. The least you can do is help them out by telling them BEFORE or BY their requested RSVP date if they need to plan for you.
  Those who haven't planned a wedding before: you need to realize it's not just about you and if you feel like going to a party that day. Those numbers mean a place setting, food, drinks, favors and all kinds of other important things for the Bride and Groom to take into account - all of which cost money! So do them a favor and don't make them hunt you down to get an answer.

See guys, normal people still use "square" - my slang lingo is TOTES still hip and happenin'...

• DO NOT bring uninvited guests!

  Related to the RSVP - the people invited to the wedding should be those addressed on the invitation with the possible exception of having the plus-one option on the response card.
  "Mr. and Mrs. Barkinglaugh are cordially invited..." - that's 2 people. Just 2.
  "The Barkinglaugh Family" or "Mr. and Mrs. Barkinglaugh and family" = bring the kids - but not the boyfriends/girlfriends, best friends or neighbors of said family/kids. 
  I don't know why people think this is ok - but it's totally inconsiderate. I'm sorry (not sorry), but here's the deal:
  It is NEVER appropriate to bring extra (read: uninvited) people - friends, family or otherwise to someone else's wedding (unless with express permission from the Bride and Groom)
  
  Honestly, it's often a matter of money but it could be other personal reasons as well.
  The Bride and Groom, or whoever holds the purse-strings have to pay for each and every little bugger attending the wedding and reception. And whatever their reasons are for inviting or NOT inviting certain people, that's their choice. It's THEIR wedding - please respect that choice and don't try to bring someone else along just because YOU would rather have a guest. 
  

**Also - Don't assume you have a plus-one - sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. A thoughtful bride and groom will know that if you're married or have been seriously dating someone (6 months or longer, give or take), and that person SHOULD be invited. But don't assume, if you're single, that you always get to bring a date. Again, respect the bridal couple's choice in the matter.

Ok... getting off the soap box about this now... You get the idea - if in doubt, ask (nicely) for clarification but remember that NO is a perfectly valid answer and do not pitch a fit if that's what they say.

• To gift or not to gift, that is the question

  Gifts, though often implied or somewhat expected, are NOT actually a requirement by most Wedding Etiquette standards.
  Especially if you are a guest traveling a long way - weddings can be really expensive, for guests as well as the bride and groom. It's OK to just get a card.
  

  

  Well, maybe not THIS card... though the sentiment is probably appreciated

That being said, it IS nice to do a little something for a gift - even if it's a $20 bill in the card, or something homemade perhaps if you have a sentimental attachment to the couple or are particularly crafty.
Everyone gives and receives gifts differently, but there's no shame in NOT buying the couple a new yacht or a personalized Kitchen-Aid with a message hand-engraved by Vietnamese orphans. (no offense... if that's what you really WANT to get them...)

It's Time to Partay!!!

The Wedding Day is here! Now what?

• Wedding Attire - What the hell am I supposed to wear?Here's the simple breakdown - clue in to the wording on the invite OR ask the couple (well before the wedding week). This description on TheKnot.com gives some good examples as well.
  Note - time of day for the wedding can determine acceptable color options - typically lighter colors earlier in the day and darker colors more toward night (but for the most part, this doesn't matter as much now as it used to)

 What does them wordz mean?

• White Tie = Formal as Fu...dge. Fudge.
  Formal tuxedos for guys, ballgowns for ladies
• Black Tie = Still formal - regular tuxedos for guys, fancy cocktail dress or evening gown for ladies
• Formal or Black Tie optional = tuxedo or nice suit for guys, long dress, nice cocktail dress or dressy suit for ladies
• Semiformal or Casual Dressy = suit for guys, tie optional, cocktail dress or skirt and top for ladies
• Beach Casual = similar to Casual, but nice shorts and sandals are typically also acceptable options
• Casual = nice pants and dress shirt or polo for guys, summer dress, skirt or pants and blouse for ladies
• Note: Casual never means torn-up jeans and your Duck Dynasty camo T-shirt... unless maybe you're going to THIS wedding:

No judgment... Ok, maybe just a little judgment

No, no, it's fine see - it's an homage to your
beautiful garden wedding theme... for realsies

 A couple HELPFUL TIPS for attire:

1. For the ladies (to keep the Bride from physically maiming you on her wedding day) - Do not wear colors that will distract from the Bride - she is the princess, don't rain on her parade. Included by not limited to - Red, Neon colors, any shade of White (today that's her color alone; a mix of white with other colors is fine).
   Generally, just don't wear anything too distracting and you'll be fine
2. Ladies, also consider bringing a change of shoes  - is the wedding outside? Heels may not be the best choice if they're going to get stuck in the grass/mud. Wedges, flats, good to go. Keep in mind if there will be lots of dancing - maybe bring a change of shoes for the end of the night (especially if there may be alcohol involved)
3. For all - bring appropriate outer-wear. Check the weather - will it be cold, rainy, windy? Do you need a jacket, scarf, full-body snow-suit? Know yourself and if you tend to be cold/hot, if the wedding is outside and prepare accordingly.
4. If you know the color/style of outfits the Wedding Party is wearing but you were not asked to be in the wedding party, DO NOT wear that exact color/style of outfit. You not only look like a jerk, you look like a jerk passive-aggressively bitch slapping the new married couple and saying "hmm, you should have asked ME to be in your wedding party because damn I look good in this outfit..."
   Yeah, DON'T be that guy. (And when I say "that guy" - I don't mean just male-folk... anyone can be that guy, you know the one. Don't do it. Just don't.)
   

• How to Behave (like a normal person)
  The fact that I even have to put this section in here is a little sad - but somehow, people don't seem to realize that when you're at a Wedding, IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!
  (Spoilers - it's about the Bride and Groom!)
  
  So here's some pretty straightforward guidelines to how to behave at a Wedding:
• Don't get drunk - yeah there may be alcohol, but drink responsibly and don't embarrass yourself, or others, or puke on anybody, or try to proposition the bride's 84 year old grandmother... Really, just know your limits and DON'T BE THAT GUY

• Don't be embarrassing - though this goes hand in hand with the drunk note, it can hold its own as well.
  ~ I don't care if you're divorced and your ex is making out with her 21 year old boy toy out on the back patio so you decide to "show that punk kid what a real man looks like"
  ~ I don't care if you knew the groom since he was in diapers and LOVE telling the story about the time when he was five and only wore dresses for a year and you still think he's probably into other dudes more than his now-wife.
  ~ I don't care if you look really good in your Superman briefs and want to show them off to all the damsels at the party (unless you're 3, in which case it makes for adorable memories, this is SO not ok)
  
  I don't care.
  Act like an adult with REAL manners and be on your best behavior. If we have to tell children to do that in public, you'd better follow the same damn advice. Yeah, have some fun, but keep it appropriate and be aware of your situation and your audience.
  
  
• Don't criticize - Maybe the wedding isn't perfect or how YOU would have done it. Maybe the church was too hot and the food was too cold. Maybe you're miserable the whole time and want to go home and watch Say Yes to the Dress because "at least those dresses look halfway decent."
  But please, for the sake of the Bride and Groom, save the griping for when you get home and keep it between you and your significant other OR just keep your mouth shut. 
  
  And definitely DO NOT complain or make your critical remarks to the Bride, Groom, Bridal Party or family of the couple. It's not appropriate and regardless of if they agree with your trash talking, they don't need the extra stress it causes. Just don't.
  
  
  
• Leave the bride alone! - If you have questions or need help with a problem, refer to the invitation/wedding program/signage at the venue OR try to find the wedding planner or venue manager - sometimes these are the same person.
  Worst case scenario, ask someone in the bridal party or the Mother of the Bride.
  
  The bride is WAY too busy with, you know, her wedding, to answer questions about where you're supposed to sit or where the jackets are supposed to go.
  DO give the bride and groom your congratulations, love, maybe get a quick picture with them, but don't be offended if they're really distracted or don't get a chance to sing the Bohemian Rhapsody with you as originally planned. They've got a lot going on, so give them a little slack.
  
• DON'T BE THAT GUY - This is all I'll say - It's JUST a bunch of flowers, ladies. Don't make THIS your legacy:

Guaranteed - ain't nobody gonna wanna marry you after they witness THAT...
I don't care what the Official Bouquet Rules are...

 OVERALL

(Yeah, yeah, I know - you wish this section had been at the
BEGINNING instead of the end... Deal with it.)

• Have patience
• Give a little grace - not everything goes according to plan; so have a little forgiveness and flexibility
• Don't have expectations
• I don't mean you should expect it to be bad - I mean, don't have ANY expectations. It's like when you go into a movie you don't know much about and don't have any expectations good or bad - come at it with a clean mindset and you'll likely be pleasantly surprised. Or possibly slightly disappointed... but still, don't let preconceptions color your experience and more often than not, you'll have a good time.

• Have fun - so long as it's safe (and legal) 
• Keep in mind your role as a guest is:
• NOT to be served food, drinks, entertainment or otherwise, BUT...
• To witness the union of the couple
• To support them by your attendance and to show them that you care about/love them
• To celebrate with them as they start their marriage together!
  
  THAT'S ALL - so let those reminders guide your actions next time you're at a wedding.

SNARKY DIGEST VERSION:

1. Don't be an asshole!
2. Dress like a normal human being
3. Play nice with the other kids

 

Thanks for reading! Don't forget to check out Part 2 of the Wedding Etiquette to find out what additional rules should help guide you as a Wedding Party Member (I said don't be gross, guys!) and as the Bride or Groom.

Have an idea of what SUPER MEGA IMPORTANT guidelines you think should be added to this awesome list? Make your suggestions in the comments below!
Thanks and Happy Wedding Season, everyone!